Tag Archives: Love

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Radical Acceptance, Desire, Suffering, And the Ways of the Universe

As a child I had a great sense of fairness in my mind in the way I thought things worked in the world.  For one I was a good hearted kid.  I liked people and found comfort and strength in relationships.  I was also raised in church.  From the pulpit things always seem to turn out right for God’s people by the end of any given sermon.  The preacher never hooped and hollered a sad ending when climaxing the point of his message.  Then there was Hollywood.  In movies and television, the good guys always won at the end.  Justice was always served.  I recall the first time I saw the good guys ‘lose’ and a bad guy get away was in an episode of “Hill Street Blues.”  Though I don’t recall the exact details I do remember feeling jarred emotionally with a sense of loss and injustice.  Nowadays that’s pretty common for TV.  Seasons 1-5 of “The Wire” crystallized the realities of life more than any other show in television history.

For me there has always maintained this inner struggle between right and wrong, truth and justice, fairness and hardships.  All of these factors mentioned above made muttering through life mentally and spiritually difficult many a day.  I struggled with questions like why do people hurt others on purpose?  Why do good things happen to bad people?  Why do bad things happen to the good people?  Why would an elected official do evil things to the people he/she serves?  Why would a friend betray you or someone hurt you if you gave them your all?  All my life I’ve heard that doing the right things, working hard and treating people justly will bring good fortune and a good life.  I’m almost 45 years old now and through the study of history, events from around the world and life in general, it feels as if I’ve seen it all in some form or another.  And all that I’ve seen show that life is way more complicated than this.

The above mentioned formula didn’t seem to work true to life.  And most of my internal struggles have been an attempt to decipher the ways of how I fit in within the schemes of constant contradictions and suffering through good intentions.

It was my counselor and life coach Mrs. Francis Thomas (Miss Francis I call her) who first introduced to me the concept of ‘radical acceptance.’ Sitting in her office she forced me to consider ‘Letting go of fighting reality and accept your situation for what it is.’  Sounds simple doesn’t it?  Folks have a term for it nowadays.  “It is what it is.”  How many times have we heard that one?  Taking a closer look however, the concept of truly accepting things as they are is not natural to our culture.  There is and always has been a push and pull to try to influence or change reality.  And why not?  That what this country has been since immigration.  People came to this land to be what they wanted and live in a fashion empowered by personal ambition.  Those causes weren’t altogether pure either in that often living a chosen life rarely included allowing others to do the same.  And so there was and is conflict for the remaining up and comers, even till this day.  (See Colonization, Slavery, The fight for Civil Rights and Immigration)

And so we live, we love, we compete, and we pursue a vision not for what we accept but for that which we desire personally, vocationally, culturally, and institutionally.

This is our living.

And yet the midst of pursuits in happiness there is always a fly in the ointment of the oil that flows through what we call life.  Suffering.

No matter what we do, suffering seems to be inevitable.  I’ve tried to minimize mine as much as possible by following the golden rules.  But that’s too simple in the scheme of things.  So I sought knowledge.  How can I eliminate or reduce suffering?

Buddhist teaching reveals that the very cause of suffering is the attachment to ‘desire’ or craving.  The Second Noble Truth for instance include:

The Cause of Suffering– samudaya
The principle cause of suffering is the attachment to “desire” or “craving” (tanha). Both desire to have (wanting) and desire not to have (aversion).
1. Desire for sense-pleasures–kama-tanha
The desire for sense pleasures manifests itself as wanting to have pleasant experiences: the taste of good food, pleasant sexual experiences, delightful music.
2. Desire to become–bhava-tanha
The desire to become is the ambition that comes with wanting attaiments or recognition or fame. It is the craving to “be a somebody”.
3. Desire to get rid of–vibhava-tanha
The desire to get rid of the unpleasant experiences in life: unpleasant sensations, anger, fear, jealousy.
The clinging to desire comes from our experience that short-term satisfaction comes from following desire. We ignore the fact that satisfying our desires doesn’t bring an end to them.

Part of the Third Noble Truth simply says:

The end of suffering is non-attachment, or letting go of desire or craving.

In my spirit I totally understood and resonated with the substance of these words.  I sensed a light or a glimmer of hidden wisdom that I had never seen.  This was especially enlightening because by nature I am a doer, a man of action.  If I want something to be a certain way, I did what I could to make it happen.  I used action in an attempt to gain the reaction I desired. (Good deeds, hard work etc.) The thought of letting go of desire seemed to be a game changer.  A freeing experience if you will.  I started the process of embracing this concept slowly in my life.

Reading this may give the impression that by letting go of desire we are to just stand pat and allow whatever happens to happen in our lives.  That brings me to another teaching form Miss Francis.  “A life or inner peace will not consist of embracing an all or nothing paradigm.”

My journey of living is a continuous evolution of learning that the colours of life are rarely black and white, but shades of varying schemes that paint the world.  If there are no desires, there is no progress.  I believe we were created and the Universe calls for us to make contributions towards giving and receiving from the earth, as well as it’s inhabitants.  We can’t make a difference without having a ‘desire’ for something better.  Our humanity provides that we are creatures with feelings and emotions, as well as creativity and logic.  We not only want to survive, but thrive in serving and fulfilling a purpose all the while enjoying pleasure and senses of accomplishment.  The key is balancing all of life’s journey with a certain brevity and perspective.

In the bible Paul deals with this dichotomy.

In Philippians 3:14 he says he continues to press toward the mark of the high calling of God in Jesus Christ.

In Philippians 4:11 he says he’s learned to be content with whatever state he’s in.

Ecclesiastes 3 goes in great detail identifying the cycles of seasons and change in our existence.

The reality is that as long as we are living there will always be this struggle in understanding the push and pull of life; What to try to change and what to accept, how to love in the midst of hurt, pain, or rejection; Whether we are indeed living in a season or if it’s within our power to change the climate.

For in our flawed sense of justice through our blurred lenses the wicked do often prosper, good is not always rewarded, the good die young, love is not always returned gracefully.  Neither the good nor the bad are always what they seem.  And even the very best of us are often guilty of doing to others that which hurt us the most.

I submit that walking in the balance of universal harmony in the midst of it’s seemingly continuous contradictions is impossible for the natural life.  Indeed it requires a supernatural experience and existence which must be practiced if not perfected.

We should desire to be significant though not necessarily popular.  (Though being significant can bring fame.) By focusing on the process of living as well as the intent and ramifications of our actions rather than the results, in the end, I believe the Universe will balance and pay, and regulate accordingly.

And if not,… well then hey, it is what it is.

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Kingmakers

 

Every man has a path to take.  And within that path is the journey that he has set before him.  I believe that we all have a certain destiny/destination within us though sometimes its hard to figure out.  Of course all men have both their similarities and differences as well.  We are motived by different things.  For some of us its money.  For others its pride, and for others even love for the purpose itself. 

Along that path a man gets help from variou sources.  You see there is no such thing as a self-made man.  It just doesn’t work that way.  I was laid off of a position I held for 11 years and during a class where they taught us how to get a leg back up in the job market I learned that 85% of all jobs filled in America are because of word of mouth.  That means that no matter how ‘qualified’ one is, the likelihood that he will get that position solely based on his resume’, experience and interview skills, unless he knew someone who could influence the person making the decision hire, out of say 100 applicants, he only had a 15% chance of getting the job.  This is just one example. 

Even in starting a business people have to favor you in lending advice and or capital.  Perhaps you catch just the right deal on that building or leasing plan.  Something has to happen when the universe gets behind you to push a successful vibe your way.

There is another element that I would like to talk about when it comes to the success of a man; his inner circle – specifically the woman in his life.

In today’s society there is often more of a competitive spirit among couples than there is unity.  Instead of having a cohesive unit where vision is shared and built upon together, there is a push/pull of egos for power and influence.  I believe there are many reasons for this.  Most of them have to do with our own insecurities or trying to make a person do something that he/she may not be ready for.  For example, a man can’t convince a woman to stand by him and support his vision if she has no desire to support him.  And a woman can’t convince a man to have a vision if he is not motivated to have one.

I heard a story years ago where a reporter asked a former first lady what would have happened if she had married another man she had been with previously.  Her answer was that the previous guy would have been president instead of the then current president.  Why is that?  Because she was a kingmaker.  In other words, whoever she married was going be president, or great.   Because it was something about her love and motivation, her ability to touch her man in the secret places where his greatness lie dormant or in seed form and bring his greatness out.

Some women are just the opposite.  Instead of king making they’d rather destroy the potential in their man because of fear or insecurity.  They spend their time putting him down or crushing his spirit because they are afraid that if he were to reach his potential and be great he may leave her behind.

A kingmaker is not insecure in her man’s potential of success.  In fact, she demands it.  She will not settle for less than for the greatness she sees in his spirit; or the thing she recognizes as his gift to the world.  She will not be fearful of the consequences, possible popularity or notoriety that are the fruits of success.  For she feels it’s more important for him to be empowered to make the mark and the difference he should for his time and dispensation on the earth.  (Even if it adversely affects her)

A kingmakers reward is the king.  She sees purpose and destiny first.  She sees the calling of God and the importance of making an impact on society that is needed.   The people who need to be touched and lives that need to be changed. 

And if the king is smart, once he reaches the level of his greatness he will not forget from where he came. Not only will he be humble in the midst of the blessings surrounding his gifts in expression he will treasure those who helped him to get there…. especially his kingmaker.  He will fully understand and appreciate his kingmaker cause she believed in him and encouraged him when no one else did.  When everyone else questioned his worth, value and intentions.  She was the one who believed and remained faithful to the vision he didn’t even know he had yet.  She will be the one still there once the mission is completed or if the opportunity to present those gifts are taken away.

Some men like myself have lots of potential.  I have gifts to give to people and blessings to share.  I do that now mostly everyday.  But there is something greater ahead.  A greater level of influence.  And I admit that I am learning to accept and love myself more and more all the time as it relates to these gifts.  Getting therapy has helped a lot and I am seeing more and more my potential.  Equally true is that I would like to thank my kingmaker.  The one who demands that I get the help and assistance I need to be the best I can be.  The one who believes in me even when I am not sure of myself.  The one who always encourages me in the midst of my greatest challenges.

To her I would say, “Thank you for believing.  Thank you for encouraging.  Thank you for listening without judgment.  Thank you for pushing in all the right directions.  Thank you for demanding that I be great!”

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A Son’s Perspective

cmac and lil c 09 

Recently I did a series of post about expressing my thoughts about each of my children.  My son Christian decided to write his own little observation about his father.  Here is goes.

I can fondly remember walking into my father’s room across the hall as he watched those late night Laker games. He would just be sitting on the bed or with his laptop watching and (if the time was right….or sometimes it doesn’t even matter) YELLING at the TV.  It was like coming into a “Daddy Zone” if you will.

A situation I could always remember is Daddy’s head poking out of the door stating the next mission of the day. Missions such as “Hey Chumney, you wanna go to the Y?” or “Hey Man, you wanna go watch a game with me?” OR the suspenseful “Hey Christian, you wanna go somewhere?”….Where is “somewhere”?……YOU DON’T KNOW!!!! BUT I dared not explain to my dad that I was unaware of our next destination because “It doesn’t matter, your with your dad”.  I could remember thinking that there is a 1% possibility that we were going to a retirement home to watch old people play backgammon for hours but this didn’t matter because I was with my dad.

My Dad has always been the organized and inquisitive type. Much like myself save for the organized part. You can tell that he was raised in a house where things “had to be done” to keep the house “running” (as if the house would explode if the dishes weren’t cleaned everyday). So because I can sense it, I can believe the “in my day” moments and just abide with no questions asked. I remember last year he was trying to teach me in the “Way of the List”. The Way of the List is an ancient art in which you carefully “List” your scheduled activities of the next few ydays, months and years. It takes years to perfect apparently because I could only get to about “5 minutes” ahead of the present. This grasshopper had no idea what he was going to do 2 months from now. This is just another sort of thing indicating that this man was just a little ahead of the game, which is delightfully reassuring in a father.

Playing basketball against each other was always a kind of loving rivalry we had. Pretty much every time we played against each other (which go back as far as i can remember playing basketball) he would win. I at first would always think of my game plan which was basically “man if I just run around enough he’ll get tired then I could save my energy to take him to the hole when i needed to” but to my utter demise the plan would backfire, and I would only notice that my plan failed when the game was 28-Daddy 8-Christian.  (The game winning scrore was 32.)   At this point I’m taking my very sweet time getting the ball when it goes out of bounce because this is the only break I get from this daddy machine. My Plan-B was “GET AWAY FROM HIM AND SHOOT!!!” I can DEFINITELY remember this working one time! It was a bright and beautiful day the first time I beat him when SUPPOSEDLY he didn’t let me win.

Every once in a while the dreaded “Father Son Talk” would resurface. This was always a time where I DID NOT want to say what was on my mind or my view on certain subjects but he would get it out of me anyways.  Why is this?  This is because he would set the mood for some serious talkin. We would either go out for a walk or a drive or just a little lunch.  Before I would eventually give in and start letting him know things I would just think “Man I better tell him SOMETHING or else we’ll never leave”.  Everything would eventually come out but the pretentious moments before were a little challenging, but my dad knows what questions to ask and will eventually say, “Just come out with it”.  This would ALWAYS throw me off balance even though I KNEW it was coming, a  little chuckle would precede me spilling all I knew to spill.

We have recently discovered we have a more similar taste in music.  I can say I haven’t appreciated music all my life until about a few years ago but it’s a great thing to REALLY explore.  This came into view after I picked up the guitar last December.  I started playing and I was already hip to some of the more detailed and immersed music such as Pink Floyd and The Eagles.  I sent my dad a link of a sample I did of some Pink Floyd.  I smiled when I got the message back “Freakin Pink Floyd!?”.  This is just another topic to explore with my father this year.

I always look forward to trying my best to impress him with what I’ve learned thus far.

I Love you Daddy ^.^

Christian 

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Love Passage, By Gabbi

dad-gab

Making her blogging debut… this is my youngest daughter, my baby, Gabbi!   She wrote a piece on her interpretation on 1 Corinthians 13. 

Love Passage

Love will stand in line and wait it’s turn.  It doesn’t always want what others have and it doesn’t brag about what it does have. 

Love is polite even when the other person is rude.  It doesn’t always have to be first.

Love doesn’t get angry over the small things, and it doesn’t remember one thing after another to be hurt.

Love isn’t happy when someone else fails but is happy with the truth. 

If I am very smart, almost a genius, if I can figure out the hardest math problems, but don’t love others I am nothing.

Love never gives up. 

Preaching will stop someday.  So will speeches.  Knowledge will come to an end. 

Today we only know part of what there is to know.  We can preach and speak only with a small part of understanding.

But when perfection comes then what is imperfect will go away.

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First to the “L” Word May Determine Direction of the Relationship?

I came across this article from cnn.com and it basically says that women should NOT be the first to say, “I love you” in a relationship. 

The ironic part to me is that a feminist wrote the article who also believes it’s perfectly fine for a woman to ask a man out, make the first move, and even propose.  She believes these three words however opens a bit of a “Pandora’s Box”. 

… I love you” uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

I have my own views on this subject, and I have heard others as well that agree with some of the beliefs from the author.  However, never with the caveat that a woman can basically do everything but utter the ‘L’ word first. 

I would gather to guess that my female feminist friends would not agree with any limitations set on them within a relationship.  Equally though I feel most of them have more traditional standards than they readily admit to.

So where do you the reader come out on this?  Is it fair game for women to do whatever in pursuing a man?  Or should she take a more conservative approach and allow the man to pursue and ‘conquer’ or win her heart?