It was a slow Monday evening. No college basketball on television. The World Baseball Classic is totally irrelevant no matter what Tommy Lasorda says about it being something we should care about. So what was I to do? Been a while since I’ve been over on the East Side. So I head to one of my favorite watering holes for some special Crown. The bartender called and told me that somehow he got a bottle of the Cask No 16 that Hines Ward was giving away to his teammates after the SuperBowl. I was down for that!
No sooner than I walk in the door… I see my main man Charlie Bubba ghetto philosopher and street scholar of the hood. It had been a while since I’d seen Charlie. Or (Cholly) as we call him. I thought to myself, “Now I know the evening will be exciting. We can talk about the NCAA tournament. Manny Ramirez or something. But no politics cause I was tired of the news as it is.” I tried to head him off at the pass when he laid eyes on me.
Me: Cholly whats up baby! Who you got going to the Final 4? Who’s going to take it all!
Cholly: Fuck that nigga! That shit ain’t coming on till Thursday. It’s MONDAY fool! Hell who gone be president in 2012? Who gone be Bristol Palin’s next baby-daddy. Hell I don’t know. Gotta wait till it get here. Shit.
Me: Dang Cholly why you all “sensitive” today?
Cholly: Man these fools tried to take my crib – 4Close on a nigga. While these fuckers at AIG, (Always Is Gangsta) taking MY tax dollars for god-damn bonuses and shit?
Why did I ask? He got me.
Cholly: Come on C! How many times these white boys, these anti-big government, anti-government helping out anybody, anti-welfare shit on the little man leaches keep coming back to the Amerikkkan people begging for hand-outs? I hope Bama (Obama) knows what he’s doing. Cause last time he talked about how it wasn’t about being pissed at them, but about saving the economy even though they pissed over the last stash they got. Now they just made an ass out of him as far as I’m concerned. Cause the same shit keeps happening over and over again. Give them assholes money, and they put it in their pockets. Then I hear this broad talking on TV about how they were “contractually obligated” to give these bonuses. What? Like they were contractually obligated to give them money for the hoes they paid for at the spa a few months back? Right? That’s some bullshit! First of all, who is giving out the bonuses anyway? The same mother fuckers who asked for the money? The same folks who are on the board deciding that they were “contractually obligated” to pay themselves all that loot? The same jokers who’s decisions ran the company down in the first place? What kinda shit is that?
Cholly was really angry. I tried to get a word in but he kept going.
Cholly: And what if somebody with some balls at the top decided that these bonuses were not going to be given out. If the others tried to sue, what fuckin judge is going to side with them. I know they don’t write up contracts that say, ‘Even if you run the company into the ground and we are strapped for cash, we’ll still give you millions for the trouble you put us in.’ I just don’t see that happening. And hell if they didn’t get multiple bailouts, where the fuck would they have gotten the money? I’m telling you man! They say they don’t want no socialist government and shit, but they can’t be trusted to run these businesses on their own obviously! And why is Bama nem’ keep giving them the money with no fuckin oversite? You keep trusting the same robbers and thieves to do the right thing? That just goes to show you. White folks broke the mode on crime I don’t care what they say?
Me: Well man you have said a mouthful Cholly. Care for some of this No. 16 to take the edge off?
Cholly took the drink and swished it around his mouth before swallowing. “This some good shit here boy!”
Me: I’m sorry about…
Cholly: And did you get a load of that Imus bullshit he was saying about his prostate cancer? ‘I think I got this from stressing all that media pressure at my doorstep a while back. ’ First of all I don’t give a fuck about your prostate! Second of all you opened your fool ass mouth and said some shit you shouldn’t have calling some black college educated women, ‘nappy headed hoes’ and then blame us for making your life stressful? Cry me a fucking malt liquor bitch! Sucks to be you huh? I tell you C, only in this country do white folks think such dumb ass shit. Then he calls Giuliani about his dick getting hard. First off Rudy ain’t getting no pussy he ain’t paid for. Have you seen that guy? What is going to do, rub his little cabbage patch head against a woman’s…
Me: CHOLLY! That’s too much information bruh!
Cholly: Yea you know what I’m saying. Who would want to fuck Imus anyway? That crinkled up old dude. Every timeI see him I think to myself, “There goes Maude!” Look at his face, the way it looks if it can get hard he can use that! He may want to get it circumcised first…
Me: Alright Cholly I’m about to bounce.
After a couple glasses of the No. 16, I was good to go but Cholly was just getting started. This was my time to exit cause he was already on a mission as it is.
Me: Cholly man I’m sorry about the house? What are you gonna do about it?
Cholly: Man I don’t know. But Cholly Bubba always work thangs out. Maybe I can catch one of them AIG niggas at the ATM machine.
I gave Cholly some dap and bid bye to he and the rest of the patrons. Always having to have the last word though…
Cholly: Louisville! Rick Pitino bitches! Cardinals all the way over that robot Tyler Hansbrough for the championship!
Me: Whatever! Carolina all the way!