On Suicide & Fighting for Life

I can’t remember the first time I noticed that I was down or what would later be defined to me as depressed. Was it as a child? A teenager? Being middle aged all I know for sure is that it’s been an ongoing battle for most of my life. Being a critically deep thinker, sometimes an over thinker, I have sought the world over looking for internal peace. I looked towards religion, spiritual teachings, self-help knowledge – books, you name it. I used to believe that once I learned that one thing – that thing would be the answers to all that would sustain me for the duration. It would become my rock. Think of the ‘Infinity Stones’ from “The Avengers,” series.  The idea was that once I received these keys to life, knowledge, wisdom, spirituality, and peace, I would be able to sustain life’s balance and not be moved by hurtful emotions, loneliness, self-doubt, and the feelings of unworthiness.

For decades I have gone from one thing to the next. And it’s not to say that my search hasn’t taught me a ton of extremely important lessons along the way. The opposite is true. My hunger combined with experience has provided me with knowledge, wisdom, self discipline, compassion for others, and boundary setting. Yet the saying that with much wisdom comes much sorrow is true. Learning provides one with the capacity to get but a small glimpse of what he doesn’t know or understand. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing that keeps me humble and hungry. But some lessons – even the best ones are learned through great pain and devastation.

A few years ago I’ve learned to ride what I call the waves of life. There are moments where I am at such peace that I want for absolutely nothing. My mind is clear, my heart is open and my existence is totally aligned with The Universe. It’s euphoria. In these moments there is no place I would rather be than where I am. The present moment is filled with indescribable joy! I recognize the moment and I accept it understanding that it is but temporary. I know that the cycles of life will once again challenge me, battle me, burden me. But for now – or in those moments, all is beautiful and right – perfect!

One of the exercises I am currently invested into is facing that which is deepest inside of me, yet uncovered. Those areas where my pain is most deepened, my insecurities are most haunting, and where peace and answers seem impossible to reconcile. These are places where mentally and emotionally I seem to be hardwired. Reading and hearing answers that should help are at first hurting me more because there is a gulf between the new and the hard wiring that is within. My hard wiring are things that seem impossible to change – even in my imagination. And my thought is I accept the changes and the process of hard-wiring becomes rewiring, the most innocent, primal and idealistic fabric of my nature will also be changed. It is at this point that I am afraid to lose myself.

I don’t feel suicidal as often as I used to when I get extremely down. But there are times when it has crossed my mind as an option that is always there. In a way that has taken some pressure off and lifted the urge to dive deep into consideration. After all, if I want to take my life I can do it tomorrow or next week. It doesn’t have to be today! And then there is music. The art, the gift, the light of music has saved and stabilized me more than I could ever say. Music is one of the most pleasurable, comforting, and settling gifts – food for my soul that has carried me through. The Universe, I’m sure knows this.

And so today I fight for my life… And I hope this helps someone else to do the same.

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