SEXplorations: Unwrapping #MeToo, Patriarchy, Sex, Power & Responsibility – (A Series)

Home Training

Well the first thing I want to say is, this series is probably going to start a lot of shit! Not because of any attempts on my part to be provocative. But because subject matter, content, questions, comments and considerations will rarely if ever be politically correct. This lack of PC, however, is not a diss, nor am I insensitive nor paternal.  Rather, it’s to cut through the bullshit and have adult conversations regarding some of the most prolifically vital yet intractable social topics being dealt with today.

I can’t speak for other cultures around the world. But when it comes to America; sex, sexuality, sex education, and things associated, we have struggled and failed to unpack and extract them in a way that promotes knowledge of sex and self. When it comes to the sexual/self, what starts out as innate natural curiosity and search for discovery (as a child) is later jacked up from the outside by judgment, mischief, moral treaties and shame. After adding culture, media, and peer pressure to the mix, we try to find our sexual identities. Well good luck with that!

Let’s start with the sex education I received at a young age. The conversations I heard in my household were tantamount to, “Don’t bring no babies up in here!” I remember my then step father making some back handed comments about me ‘fucking.’ He told me he was going to buy me some ‘rubbers.’ I was between 12 – 13 at the time.  I’d heard of rubbers. I knew they had something to do with sex but I had no idea how they worked or why.

I remember a girlfriend who was far more ‘advanced‘ than I was. I say advanced because around the way she was known ‘fast.’ (Fast: Adj. Hood Term (2018 Edition) – a female who is eager to smash) She tried to introduce me to intercourse. After some kissing she laid on the floor, then pulled off her pants and panties. Stuck and spellbound I simply looked. She motioned me to follow suit. I did. But I had no idea what to do next. It’s not as if I wasn’t excited. But I didn’t know the ‘mechanics’ of how this was supposed to go. I put it on there but not in there. She was frustrated, I was disappointed. I walked out the door the same way I walked in… a virgin! But I did take some souvenirs home with me. While ‘making out’ she sucked on my neck. No one had ever done that before. All I knew was that it felt really really good. I didn’t know till I got home that my neck had red marks all over it. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, my eyes were as big as silver dollars. My heart was beating like crazy as I thought to myself, “What the f#@! my momma can’t see this! I looked for something to hide the evidence. I settled on a red paisley bandanna. Picture me walking around with this thing tied to my neck as if I was some faux cowboy… in the HOUSE!

If you are wondering what happened next, the answer is nothing initially. No one in my family said a word about it. That is until a few weeks later. Sitting my my mother’s room she asked me if I was ‘having sex yet.’ Aghast and embarrassed, I said , Nawwww momma!” I knew that sex was something physically intimate between people. I didn’t know exactly what, but I knew I hadn’t done it yet.  I admitted to the kissing. And that’s when she said, “Is that what you were doing when you got all those suck marks on your neck?” This moment could have been the very first Southwest Airlines commercial themed, “Wanna get away?” You could have bought me for a penny!  I mumbled something like, “Errrr, Uhhh…”

Apparently the hankey didn’t hide the hickeys!

Compared to my peers in school, I was probably a bit of an L7 when I was a kid. I was bright, inquisitive and idealistic. I was also naive, and at times gullible. If I had been schooled on the basics and nuances of sex and sexuality I was the kind of kid that was mature enough to handle that. But that wasn’t the case. All I got from that conversation with my mother was embarrassment and shame. She missed an opportunity to shape my sexual perceptions and mindset in her image. As a strong and wise black woman, imagine what a difference that could have made on this young man.

Moving forward, the only tools I had when it came to sex were my imagination, music, and TV/movies in an attempt to get a grip. Because of shame and lack of information, sex for me, while intriguing and mysterious, was also naughty; something to hide in secrecy.

Enter adulthood! I get married out of high school and of course there are sexual experiences. I searched for my sexual identity by trial and error, following someone else’s lead. By ‘sexual identity’ I mean answering these important questions:

  • Beyond physical pleasure should sex have an emotional component? If so, how much so?
  • Is there a difference between a sexual need and a sexual desire? (Nature vs Nurture?)
  • Is there a right and a wrong way to do it? What does it mean to be ‘good in bed?’
  • How do you communicate with your partner about what you want and how? Talk dirty or nice?”
  • What do you do if find yourself sexually attracted to a person who is not your partner?
  • What does sexual freedom and liberation look like internally?

Now, we’ve all had different experiences coming up. Some details may differ and some may be similar. Then there is the dynamic of how boys are taught sexual codes and values vs girls. The reality of having to figure sex out on your own by trial and error is the rule rather than the exception. With that said, should we be surprised to be in the shape we are in as a culture and society? Most of our early experiences start with the blind leading the blind. And that’s if you’re lucky. Otherwise there is potential for a power dynamic that could be exploited resulting in emotional distress, trauma and abuse. Such could have long lasting if not generational damage.

So what is my goal?

I have some strong opinions, but my hope is to encourage dialogue and share ideas regarding these matters. If I have anything to teach, I certainly hope to learn more through the experiences, ideas and thoughts of others.  I really hope people will open up, be honest and share. A healthy and loving exchange of ideas can make us better. If successful we can set a new trend marking an easier path for those coming after us.

For this to work we have to have a set of ground rules.

  • Honesty and sincerity are a must in order to move the conversation forward. Keep it real all the way around.
  • Try to have an open mind. As I said, I hope to learn something. I may start off standing on a point. If you believe I’m wrong, let’s reason together about specifics and nuances.
  • Be vulnerable. I know that’s hard. It’s hard for me. Telling that story about the hickeys at 13 is still highly embarrassing. And I’m 51!
  • There will be no sacred cows. What do I mean by that? Well I am totally pro the #MeToo movement, for example. That does not mean the movement is beyond critique. We should be able to handle some back and forth on potential hot topics like adults.

With that said… let’s get started! How would you answer the above questions regarding sexual identity? Would you add more questions? Feel free to comment via the blog comments section, Facebook or Twitter. For cohesiveness, admin may add comments from social media to the blog comments section.

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. – Stephen Hawking 

 

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Things of Kings, Queens, Jesters and Social Media

In this fun and entertaining tool we use called Facebook to amuse, share, rant, and express ourselves, I often read little signs with quotes about what makes a good man, a good male partner. I tend to agree with most of them but rarely if ever do I see any signs for what a woman should aspire to as it relates to what is expected of them. So ‘imma’ share a little ditty of what I’ve learned over my time.

Ladies: One vital quality that GOOD value in a woman is loyalty; Loyalty in terms of loving and supporting him regardless of his status. In other words, does he know you have his back and do you celebrate him the when he has little the same as when he has much?

What about when he loses some confidence. Do you pick him up and believe in him and make him feel safe in the confines of your embrace? Or do you kick him and make him feel less than a man, as if his value is based solely on his performance. In other words is it like the NBA where he gets in a shooting slump and instead of sticking by him saying, “No worries, you’re my guy keep on shooting,” or do you want to put him on the trading block and bring in a free agent?

The Hunt<br /><br /><br />
Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater<br /><br /><br />
Choreography by Robert Battle<br /><br /><br />
Credit photo: ©Paul Kolnik<br /><br /><br />
paul@paulkolnik.com<br /><br /><br />
nyc  212-362-7778

Do you trust his counsel and believe in his vision? Or must you hear the same words he gave you from the preacher or an outside source in order to believe it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard brothers say, “Man I told my lady ‘such and such’ for a long time. She always dismissed it. But when the pastor preached on it she got a revelation.

Do you invest in the relationship as much as you did when you were trying to get the dude in the first place? They say, “The man is the head. But the woman is the neck that turns the head.” Do you speak to him politely using your charms to influence his heart, swing from the poles in the bedroom dazzling him with your sexual exploits with great enthusiasm like you did back in the day to keep it hot and smoking? Of did you become comfortable and less ambitious? “I ain’t got to do all that no more.”

Hey, I agree that it’s hard out here for women. I really do. And that’s why I used the word GOOD when describing this kind of man. I wouldn’t ask or expect you give all of your goodies to a fool. I would say leave the fool to foolish women in turn. Don’t try to make a good man out of a fool, cause then you’re playing yourself! . Give the kingdom to a fool and it won’t make him king worthy! He will merely destroy it. And if you went that route and failed, then don’t blame the good brother for the crimes of the fool you chose to try to make into a king.

Revelations: Choreography by Alvin Ailey<br /><br /><br />
Alvin Ailey American dance Theater<br /><br /><br />
Credit photo: ©Paul Kolnik<br /><br /><br />
paul@paulkolnik.com<br /><br /><br />
nyc  212-362-7778

But if you got a good man, a man that is not only dedicated to you but to being the best man he can be for you and the things concerning you, treats you like gold etc.;  then dammit you need to learn how to treat him and how to work it. And trust me when I tell you, when you know how to work it and make that dude the priority he needs to be, giving him that input, the wisdom, love, and encouragement that only you can, you best believe you will in turn receive ALL of the rewards on the other side of the storms that life will bring. So if you want a king, be a queen!

Now think on THAT!

(pictures from the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater)

Behold! The Power of the Pussy

There are many disadvantages to being a woman in this culture.  Historically they have had to fight for their rights to be respected and cherished by the men who rule the world around them.  Still today they make less on the dollar than males.  They face discrimination and often lack the full respect they deserve in this society.  Tradition, religion, and just plain ole ignorance have slowed the progress of the woman’s ability to fully shine and blossom in all the ways she can.  When she’s ultra feminine she can be mistaken for soft thus downplaying her true inner strength.  When she speaks her mind she’s considered a bitch or a barracuda.  If she’s really about her business some call her a dike.  But God gave the woman the ultimate weapon to assure that she will be listened to and heard at some point in this game of life.  And when mastered properly, it’s a tool fitting to be called God’s Great Equalizer.  And what is this great equalizer? Behold the Power of the Pussy!

Now before your proverbial panties (pun intended for both male and females) get into a bunch – check out the facts and listen up!  When we observe the pervasive cultures worldwide, men do rule the world.  They have founded cities, started nations, ruled kingdoms and conquered civilizations.  They have created inventions that have changed the world many times.  They have created organizations and established even the name of the street you live on.

And now what is there to all of man’s great innovations and accomplishments? It’s vanity and all for nothing unless he has with him the experience that rivals no other.  For man wants to – needs to – have the right woman to share his dreams – to help him manifest his visions – and to find that place of comfort that nothing else can give on the planet.  No amount of money, no amount of power, can give the man a feeling that he has in the comfort of the pussy that embraces him like he is the king of the world.

Ice-T put it this way….

Power – its starts with P like Pussy
She knows she’s got it
She doesn’t worry does she?
Spending your cash – leaving you in the trash
While your little head’s thinking – they’re gone in a dash
They got it – know it – that’s why they show it
The power sex – if man could overthrow it he’d be king in a day
No way – we get rich, hard, give it away.   -Power 1988

Now – when I say pussy, I am not talking about merely sex.  I am talking about the femininity of a woman – The softness of her voice and the touch of her hands – Because of the pussy she has the ability to approve or disapprove whatever the man is working on.  And let me tell you – when your pussy is happy – the whole house is happy.  When it’s not – let’s just say there is no good night’s sleep.  A man can accomplish great things.  And his boys and comrades can applaud with great approval.  But if his woman, the one that has the pussy does not approve… it may as well be dead.

The right woman has the ability to make a man believe in himself.  Her influence can make him a king or a pauper.  That is the power of the pussy.  You see it’s not just a physical thing.  It’s totally spiritual as well.  When a man enters a woman – and he respects the place that she allows him to dwell – he’s lost in the realm of fantasy that is his greatest reality.  Remember he was born from a pussy.  And like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz he just wants to go home. The roles are just reversed.  Instead of coming out of one he wants to enter one.  And instead of the pains of birth he gives her (his new momma) the pleasure of the rod.  And he does so at great pleasure until he releases himself totally into the places that are so private and intimate that it bonds him to her soul.  After that there is nothing left to give.  And when she comforts him, lets him know that he is approved and that everything is alright – you could kill him and he would die with a smile on his face.

Check the math and the history – even biblically.  David had a man killed to get the one that satisfied him the most.  Sampson gave up the source of his strength to a woman he knew was trying to get him killed.  And yet what was it about Delilah that caused him to tell her how he could be defeated anyway. It wasn’t merely the physical pussy – it was the mental and spiritual pussy.  She understood him – studied him – mastered him.  See if you relegate the pussy to mere physical characteristics you’ll miss the boat.  The pussy is the all encompassing aura of a woman, her total womanhood and her ability to communicate to her man as only she can.  Once she has him – she’s got him. Because only the comfort of her welcoming spirit and body can satisfy his soul.

The worst thing that can happen to a man – is to get caught up in the wrong pussy!  That’s a whole nother story!

And so it goes – If he buys a nice car he doesn’t really do it for himself.  It’s for a woman.  A nice house is to put the woman in.  Someone asked Eleanor Roosevelt what her life would be like had she not married Teddy.  She said she would still be first lady – because whomever she married would have been the president.  In other words – she’s saying that her pussy is king making material.  And with her influence any man she commits to will reach his maximum potential.  It’s automatic.

According to Genesis, God created man in His own image and in His likeness. But ever since, no man can be born except through the womb of a woman.  She is the passageway to the earth.  And there you have it – God’s great equalizer! Man may rule the world.  But a woman who understands the power of her pussy – will never lack any good thing.

How Come You Don’t F*&! Me Anymore?

No that is NOT the new Prince jam.

I ran across this article the other day while surfing the net.  The heading of the link said, “What we don’t tell our husbands.”  I’m a married man so why wouldn’t I be interested?  That’s not an indictment on my wife’s level of honesty, but more about covering my bases.  I perused the various links within the story covering different marital topics from a woman’s point of view.  Catching my eye was a link titled “Mom Confessions.”  Ahhhhh!  My wifes a mother too so I may get a double dose of knowledge that us men generally never hear about.  Everybody knows that women can be like closet racist.  They reveal some things to their husbands, (the other race) while revealing others to those of their own species. (other women) It’s called ‘girl talk.’  I’m thinking since these moms are anonymous in this survey I may learn something.  Several links within the columns caught my eye.  For this post I’ll focus on one in particular; Top Ten Secret Mom Confessions”

Confession #5 Says, She’ll take sleep over sex.  *It goes on to say:

 Nap or nookie? Once the kids are asleep, almost 53% of moms would take a good night of sleep over mind-blowing sex any day. Being tired is an almost universal complaint among the moms we surveyed…

I ran this past my wife as she sat on the couch watching one of her favorite ‘shoot’em up killem’ can’t find’em’ mystery whodunit shows.  She agreed that most women including many of her married friends feel the same way.  I was surprised to say the least.  I spoke out.  “Are women less tired when they are single and having sex?  Why are mind-blowing sex and a good nights sleep mutually exclusive anyway?”  She stuck to her guns. “The average married woman enjoys sex, but only prefers it every so often unlike a man who prefers it a helluva lot more,” she said.  “And if he’s really good to her, she may even suck it up and give him a little more than what she would otherwise care to have.” 

Needless to say this was mind-blowing to me.  I know I’m a guy, right.  But still.  Most married couples I know started off having plenty of sex before marriage.  They also have plenty initially after the wedding.  But then something changes.  The message seems to be that after kids and life kick in, women lose a certain interest in sex.  I’m generalizing but not much.  I also noted that in today’s society there are many unmarried mothers who are divorced for intance, working, have custody of their children and still manage to carry on a vibrant sex life without the full time help of a man.  In spite of all of these challenges, she manages to get it in.  So fatigue seems like a cop-out.

The Mrs. agreed on these facts but I could tell by the look on her face she felt as if I just didn’t ‘get it.’  “And why does she have to suck it up if she enjoys it in the first place?, I asked.

We went back and forth before she pointed out that she was sure that most married or committed couples who live together with children are not having as much sex as I may think.  I wasn’t ready to conscede, but even if that were the case I still wondered why!

So I asked a friend of mine (a married male) some questions:

a) How many times do you and your wife have sex during any given week/month?

b) How does it differ from when you were dating?

c) Are you as a man satisfied with the amount of sex you have with your wife now?

This friend told me that he and his wife had frequent hot n’ wild sex the first few years of their relationship including marriage.  Now, it’s down to an average of maybe 3-4 times per month.  (they have 2 children) Strangely enough he expressed that he was just as satisfied with this amount as she was.  “Sex makes me too tired,” he said.  Knowing this brother for many years I remember a time when he would confess that he was definitely not satisfied with the amount of lovin’ he was getting from his wife.  But now his desires are on par with hers.  I told him that she must have worn him down to her lower standard.  It’s not merely a question of being being ‘tired.’ 

To prove my point, I said, “You may think you’re satisfied with that little bit you get at home, but what about the finest woman you know at work?  Would you be tempted to hit that if you could with no consequences even if you were tired?”  He acknowledged the temptation.  So I asked, “Then what in the hell is the problem?”  His answer?  He compared it to his favorite dessert.  He said that if he had his favorite dessert in the fridge at his disposal all the time he wouldn’t find it as appealing.  “Ahh!  So it’s a matter of availability?,” I inquired.  Since his wife is available all the time, she’s like his favorite dessert unlimited.  He can just take it for granted as if it’s there today so it will be there tomorrow…. and the next day, and hell the next week, month or year for that matter. 

I found that quite unacceptable. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that life happens.  I understand that kids and responsibilities happen.  I understand there isn’t necessarily as much time to be romantic when there are little people running around the house.  What I don’t understand is why is sex such an important part of a relationship while in its building stages but not a part of an abiding program?  If a couple is doing it 5-7 days a week before children, why not at least 3-4 afterwards?   The frequency of indulging in certain pleasures may fall away as couples take on more responsibility.  But why does sex fall so significantly on the priority list? 

History shows that most couples, who endure a marriage or long term relationship that doesn’t last, end up starting a new relationship where sex again is a priority.  Men have reputations for having affairs, but nowadays more women are stepping out than ever before.  Within these affairs they are definitely having frequent sex with ‘the other guy.’  That doesn’t make sense if the original excuse for not having sex in the first place is fatigue.  It takes much more work to carry on and sustain a secret affair than to simply handle one’s sexual needs at home.

So what’s the deal?

Now let’s be clear.  I know there are differing challenges to each relationship though not all are uncommon.  For example; Some men are not interested in pleasing their women but rather only interested in their own pleasure.  And there are times when life just happens and sex is not the focal point for a period of time.  For the purposes of this expose’ I’m assuming that the marriage is good and that the man is not selfish but is also aware and proactive in meeting his woman’s sexual fantasies.

Speaking to another friend of mine, a woman who does some marriage counseling as a profession, she said, “Sex is 5% of a good marriage.  But its’ 95% of the problem if the two parties don’t agree.”  I saw her point but I thought she hedged the numbers a bit.  I would say sex is 8-10% of a good marriage depending on the couple.  But again I know, I’m a guy who happens to not be an expert on human sexual behavior.  She also said that single women tend to have sex to relieve other stresses in their lives.  “A woman who is happy and secure in her relationship may not need to have as much sex as her male partner,” she added.  That may be true, but I sense what seems to be a type of love/hate relationship with women and sex.  (That is another blog for another time.  I’m focusing on the love part for now.)  With that I still believe that there is a disconnect somewhere.

All theories seem to come back to the original point in the article;  Men want sex a lot, but women even in happy marriages don’t prefer much at all.  Is this really true mostly across the board?  If so why?  Or is this off base?  I would like to know what you all think.

How can you do this?

Well there are a couple ways.  First off you can just comment in the ‘comments’ section of this blog.  For those reading on Facebook you are also free to comment there.  If you prefer more privacy, you can comment on the blog anonymously, and I can repost responses to Facebook as anynomous.  I realize that some may feel comfortable with speaking freely while others may not.  I don’t want a anyone’s identity to interfere with total honesty.  Here are some of the questions I am looking to have answered:

1) Are you male or female

2) Married or Single

3) How important is sex in your life vs. your partner’s/past or present

4) Are you/were you satisfied with the state of sex within your relationship?  If not, why not?

5) Have you become sexually lazy or apathetic? (Be Honest)

I realize this won’t be the most scientific study of all time.  I’m just curious about how many people see what I call a dilemma.

I think the hottest steamiest and most vibrant sexual experiences should not belong to the promiscuous, the sneaky and the uncommitted; as if great persistent sex is only for the naughty.  I think it should be the opposite.  People who commit to sharing lives together should be knocking the hell outta the boots!  Period point blank!  Sure it may take imagination, a little more work, but that’s because it’s not cheap and passing.  All great things take work to maintain greatness.  Casual sex may be pleasurable, but the mentality to engage in it is different.  Committed sex is based in a security that the couple’s lives and principles are based in things that are far more important.  And that makes it even better.  Is anybody with me? 

I’m promoting a sexual revolution for the married/committed!

Temptation

The subject of temptation is a fascinating one to me.  As people we are always tempted with something.  Normally when the word temptation is used it has to do with a form of the forbidden.  For instance if I commit to fasting for a certain amount of time, during that period I will at some point be tempted to eat.  I may be on day 3 of a 10 day fast for instance, and all of a sudden it’s free pizza day at work.  I can smell it, my stomach is grumbling and my body is craving the cheese and sauce.  Now what?

First let’s first define temptation.  I didn’t search the dictionary, but for the sake of this post, we will define temptation as: a desire to do or partake in something that is at least temporarily forbidden.  (I.e. food when fasting)  It is the compromise of the highest form of original intention, infecting personal character and integrity.  The core of these temptations stem from three areas: The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.  No temptation will exist without at least one of these at play.  Examples:

Lust of the flesh – You know you got a lady or a man – yet you feel tempted to flirt or allow yourself to be flirted with by that attractive person you see at the mall. 

Lust of the eyes – While at the same mall you see that outfit that you think is hot.  But you know you don’t need that outfit.  Furthermore, if you spend that money, you will put yourself behind the 8 ball and it will cost you more than the price of the outfit later.

Pride of Life – Driving from the mall a car cuts you off as you turn to approach the exit.  You know the best thing to do is turn the page and be thankful there was no accident.  Walk away.  But something inside says you should give that fool a piece of your mind. 

These are just some general examples.  We are constantly bombarded with temptations through life’s experiences as we just covered.  We are also tempted through media and advertisement.  Even the way your local grocery store shelves its products is a way to tempt you to spend more money on the most expensive products.

I am learning that what we do with temptation is what makes or breaks us in daily life.  Do we face temptation head on or do we slide backwards into its cunning and deceptive ways?  Recognizing temptation is the first key.  So often we are bombarded with images and situations, I’m not sure we realize how much we face on the day to day. 

The best way to deal with temptation is to confront it head on.  By that I mean we shouldn’t play ourselves into acting like we aren’t tempted when we really are.  If you are tempted to do something, just admit it.  Its not a sign of weakness but of strength to face the facts of self evaluation.  How many times have we put ourselves in bad situations because we were in denial about what was going on inside our hearts?  Only to find later we are filled with regrets of personal failings.  Once we face the reality of what is tempting us, next decide what to do about it.  If we take immediate action, we are far more likely to overcome that temptation.  If we allow the imagination to fester and permeate our psyche, we are more likely to fall into said temptation.  Excuse me for putting it this way, but temptation is a subtle mother-fucker!  And you can’t be pussying around with it either!  It has to be handled and dealt with head on or it will get you caught up with the quickness. 

For each person it’s important to know what it is you really want out of life.  What is the level of happiness you want to achieve?  What kind of house do you want to live in?  How healthy would you like to be and what kind of body do you want to have?  What kind of relationships do you want with your significant other, family and friends?  What kind of impact would you like to make in this life?  What do you need to do to make that impact?  What tenancies and weaknesses do you have that would prevent you from living your best life.  How far are you willing to go to maximize your potential and live your best life?  Answer these questions and you are on your way to living life in a real way. 

There is no shame in being tempted.  Jesus himself was tempted.  It will be an ongoing happening for the rest of our lives.  The man/woman of the highest level of integrity will recognize self tendencies and take appropriate action in order to ensure that life is lived with the greatest amount of freedom without the constant weight of consequences from bad decisions.  If our eyes are wide open to who we are and what is before us, we can use temptation and our success/failings as a barometer to measure personal growth.  The thing about temptation is this – being tempted never made anyone do anything they didn’t want to do.  No matter what temptations we face in life, we always retain the final rights of choice.  To not recognize temptation sets us up to merely fall over and over again into cycles of failure.  Understanding and self- knowing will help us make the right choices that we are willing to live with. 

Whatever you do with temptation is up to you.  Just keep your eyes open and take responsibility for what happens.