Last night was really scary. I came extremely close to having an all out panic attack/nervous breakdown. I shaked uncontrollably and there were these audible sounds coming from my mouth as if I were an animal or something unable to speak a human language. I had never been that bad before, not even in 2009 when I went to the hospital for a mental breakdown. This was much worse.
I don’t know man. I honestly feel as if this will be my greatest achievement to come back from and survive or the ultimate crash and burn that was meant to be all along. Have I been fooling myself this whole time? Just kicking the can down the road pretending to be someone I’m not. If you ask me, I’ve been pretty damn true to myself on a day to day with all people. Still at the end of the day, it’s never enough is it? I’m never enough.
A close friend of mine planned her home going service. By this I mean she wrote down all she wanted down on her behalf for people to remember her by. She has the music, the themes and all of that. I’ve been meaning to do it but never have. It’s definitely time to do that whether anyone actually follows up on it or not. Through some big time discipline, investing and savings I have amassed more money than I have ever even seen in my life. Like what the hell am I going to do with it? I’ll have to think of something.
Needless to say these are some very dark times. There is a battle raging in me. A fire. I fight and then I flight. Sometimes at the same time damn near. I’m scared. I’m afraid of many things. I wish I could just disappear into thin air right now. Never even to be remembered for anything at all. And by the way, one song I would have in my service, if anyone cared to show is, April In Paris by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.
Being at work is easy. Leaving is hard because my time is not narrated and focused. I cannot believe how discombobulated I am right now. And no one has any idea. Well, someone does. I shared just a little of this with a friend. But they really don’t know the depths. I couldn’t explain it.
There are times when I have though to myself, I am really glad to be alive. One of the funnest parts of life is growing (funnest is that even a word LOL) – yea I said it – FUNNEST – and learning wisdoms that only time and experience teach. Sometimes it’s art, a song or the ability to make a great difference to someone. I don’t know which one of these will ultimately win. The dark side is definitely winning right now. There are definitely some things I want to see through. And I hope I have the strength and capacity to do them.
So I have had this blog spot for well over 10 years. And it’s true that I haven’t been the writer I wished to be. The thing is, I have to really be motivated and passionate about my writing. Not necessarily a bad thing but definitely can add to the lack of words. Not to mention I have been rather active on my YouTube channel podcast. (Click like and subscribe to 4RealThoShow.) Anyhoo, I have the itch at least temporarily with this brilliant idea of mine.
You now how people say you should journal? Well I have started more than a few. I used to fuss over whether it was better to type, or write out the words. And with few exceptions, most of the time when it comes to the doing one way or the other I come up blank. But this time…. I said this time I may be on to something new. It’s not exciting to me when I think of writing on some blank paper or type into a word document thoughts that only I would see. Not to say there isn’t a place for that. But right now, I would like to start journaling again for the umpteenth time with the exception of I will share my thoughts with the world. The reason is simple. For years the bulk of my motivation in life is to leave this world a better place than where it was when I showed up. I find in my podcast people relate to my honestly and vulnerability. I’m that guy that often says things that others just think. There are levels to this and there are even things I wouldn’t say that others do. I find those freeing. With that as this journey begins my hope is that somewhere someplace someone will get some something they need. It can be a laugh, (yes you may laugh with or at me) or something to make you think, perhaps be inspired, encouraged or simply recognize you are not alone. I’m going to keep it 100 with the intentions of not vomiting all over the pages. Hope you enjoy!
For my first journal entry I want to discuss something I have noticed about myself before but never really addressed it thoroughly. When I am tremendously challenged, troubled or depressed, I don’t eat. I mean I go straight hard cold turkey from the moment the dreariness sets in until I come out of the fog. There have been times when I wondered in the back end corners of my mind why I react this way. Well, I think I’ve come up with a few answers as I am in that cycle as I write.
Self Punishment – This goes all the way back to decades and decades of depression, low self-esteem and self worth. Food to me is pleasurable. As a matter of fact, I really enjoy the anticipation of a great meal. It can be a fun ritual especially after a long day/evening at work. I get my little set up together, the meal is hot, the drink is the perfect companion and the combination is fit for the Great Wind Down. That’s what men call exhaling and relaxing. The Great Wind Down also may call for a toasty and tasty cigar again with the perfectly selected drink to accompany it. There I am, munching or puffing away while watching something entertaining on one of the assorted channels. Maybe sports, maybe comedy, maybe a drama. Either way, this process is a big ole A+ when it comes to reward centers in my brain. When I am sufficiently down, I don’t want the reward. I want to suffer. Not to mention the hunger pangs keeps me in remembrance of where I am in the first place. Keeps me mindful, sharp and cautious while observing my surroundings.
Quietness – When I’m in this space my spirit tends to really settle down too. Well that’s after the initial mounds and mounds of anxiety that may or may not keep me up all night. This was the case just two nights ago. As tired as I was I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was surprised at how the next 16 hours went after getting up for work again. Anxiety can both wear you out and keep you up at the same time. It was only my utter fatigue and ganja gummies that assured my rest the next night. After the initial constant barrage of anxiety subsides some and I start to ‘think’ and observe what is going on inside my brain, I start examining why I feel the way I do a bit deeper. I try to decide if my feelings are righteous or reactionarily human. There is good food for thought when it comes to this exercise. I step away from being in the midst of the thing in my head and watch it from the outside. I try to be curious as opposed to critical. Where is my opportunity for growth? Especially since I know that deep inside my feelings of being hurt, feeling betrayed or whatever the case, my reaction is as primal as any wounded creature looking to survive a mortal threat. I’m a grown man, but the securities and protection methods I use were there as long as I can remember. Oh, and another thing… all of this going on is totally private. No one knows that I am not eating. If I am in a situation where it’s impossible to avoid a meal without questions, then I will choose to eat something to keep my inner matters to myself. In this quietness I focus real hard on my mental capacity. And most of all I don’t want to say or do anything to reveal what’s going on to anyone. Also and just as important, I don’t want to act or react out of the pain that I am suffering through. Doing that would just make things way worse. I would rather chill and lay in the cut till I figure out something intelligent and meaningful as a way to respond or move towards a resolution.
I think that’s what I got right now. As I sit here trying to think of more, they ultimately come back to one of the first two reasons. Just more details but pointing to the same picture. Less seen, less heard, more listening and doing what I can to deal with the tensions. May listen to a book, listen to music, (very specific made to the mood music) a podcast or silence. There does seem to be something pure about these moments though. They are truly intentional and shows some discipline.
If the thought crossed your mind and you’re wondering if I ever reach out for help in such situations, the answer is sometimes yes. I can recall feeling some type of way as folk say, and calling several people in my closest circle for comfort, advice or an ear. Several times I couldn’t get ahold of any of them. I always took that as a sign that I am supposed to deal with this challenge alone. So I do. There are some times when things are so bad, that only that one special friend will do – that’s cause he knows me, gets me, accepts me and never judges me. Even in that I am mindful not to pull that emergency card often. Only the worst of the worst. I do not take my friends for granted.
So that’s all I got for now. Feel free to comment if you like – or ask questions. Only positive vibes allowed.