On The Edge..? Personal Journal Entries

Last night was really scary. I came extremely close to having an all out panic attack/nervous breakdown. I shaked uncontrollably and there were these audible sounds coming from my mouth as if I were an animal or something unable to speak a human language. I had never been that bad before, not even in 2009 when I went to the hospital for a mental breakdown. This was much worse.

I don’t know man. I honestly feel as if this will be my greatest achievement to come back from and survive or the ultimate crash and burn that was meant to be all along. Have I been fooling myself this whole time? Just kicking the can down the road pretending to be someone I’m not. If you ask me, I’ve been pretty damn true to myself on a day to day with all people. Still at the end of the day, it’s never enough is it? I’m never enough.

A close friend of mine planned her home going service. By this I mean she wrote down all she wanted down on her behalf for people to remember her by. She has the music, the themes and all of that. I’ve been meaning to do it but never have. It’s definitely time to do that whether anyone actually follows up on it or not. Through some big time discipline, investing and savings I have amassed more money than I have ever even seen in my life. Like what the hell am I going to do with it? I’ll have to think of something.

Needless to say these are some very dark times. There is a battle raging in me. A fire. I fight and then I flight. Sometimes at the same time damn near. I’m scared. I’m afraid of many things. I wish I could just disappear into thin air right now. Never even to be remembered for anything at all. And by the way, one song I would have in my service, if anyone cared to show is, April In Paris by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.

Being at work is easy. Leaving is hard because my time is not narrated and focused. I cannot believe how discombobulated I am right now. And no one has any idea. Well, someone does. I shared just a little of this with a friend. But they really don’t know the depths. I couldn’t explain it.

There are times when I have though to myself, I am really glad to be alive. One of the funnest parts of life is growing (funnest is that even a word LOL) – yea I said it – FUNNEST – and learning wisdoms that only time and experience teach. Sometimes it’s art, a song or the ability to make a great difference to someone. I don’t know which one of these will ultimately win. The dark side is definitely winning right now. There are definitely some things I want to see through. And I hope I have the strength and capacity to do them.

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