Tag Archives: Anxiety

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On The Edge..? Personal Journal Entries

Last night was really scary. I came extremely close to having an all out panic attack/nervous breakdown. I shaked uncontrollably and there were these audible sounds coming from my mouth as if I were an animal or something unable to speak a human language. I had never been that bad before, not even in 2009 when I went to the hospital for a mental breakdown. This was much worse.

I don’t know man. I honestly feel as if this will be my greatest achievement to come back from and survive or the ultimate crash and burn that was meant to be all along. Have I been fooling myself this whole time? Just kicking the can down the road pretending to be someone I’m not. If you ask me, I’ve been pretty damn true to myself on a day to day with all people. Still at the end of the day, it’s never enough is it? I’m never enough.

A close friend of mine planned her home going service. By this I mean she wrote down all she wanted down on her behalf for people to remember her by. She has the music, the themes and all of that. I’ve been meaning to do it but never have. It’s definitely time to do that whether anyone actually follows up on it or not. Through some big time discipline, investing and savings I have amassed more money than I have ever even seen in my life. Like what the hell am I going to do with it? I’ll have to think of something.

Needless to say these are some very dark times. There is a battle raging in me. A fire. I fight and then I flight. Sometimes at the same time damn near. I’m scared. I’m afraid of many things. I wish I could just disappear into thin air right now. Never even to be remembered for anything at all. And by the way, one song I would have in my service, if anyone cared to show is, April In Paris by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.

Being at work is easy. Leaving is hard because my time is not narrated and focused. I cannot believe how discombobulated I am right now. And no one has any idea. Well, someone does. I shared just a little of this with a friend. But they really don’t know the depths. I couldn’t explain it.

There are times when I have though to myself, I am really glad to be alive. One of the funnest parts of life is growing (funnest is that even a word LOL) – yea I said it – FUNNEST – and learning wisdoms that only time and experience teach. Sometimes it’s art, a song or the ability to make a great difference to someone. I don’t know which one of these will ultimately win. The dark side is definitely winning right now. There are definitely some things I want to see through. And I hope I have the strength and capacity to do them.

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Back at it… Personal Journal Entries

So I have had this blog spot for well over 10 years. And it’s true that I haven’t been the writer I wished to be. The thing is, I have to really be motivated and passionate about my writing. Not necessarily a bad thing but definitely can add to the lack of words. Not to mention I have been rather active on my YouTube channel podcast. (Click like and subscribe to 4RealThoShow.) Anyhoo, I have the itch at least temporarily with this brilliant idea of mine.

You now how people say you should journal? Well I have started more than a few. I used to fuss over whether it was better to type, or write out the words. And with few exceptions, most of the time when it comes to the doing one way or the other I come up blank. But this time…. I said this time I may be on to something new. It’s not exciting to me when I think of writing on some blank paper or type into a word document thoughts that only I would see. Not to say there isn’t a place for that. But right now, I would like to start journaling again for the umpteenth time with the exception of I will share my thoughts with the world. The reason is simple. For years the bulk of my motivation in life is to leave this world a better place than where it was when I showed up. I find in my podcast people relate to my honestly and vulnerability. I’m that guy that often says things that others just think. There are levels to this and there are even things I wouldn’t say that others do. I find those freeing. With that as this journey begins my hope is that somewhere someplace someone will get some something they need. It can be a laugh, (yes you may laugh with or at me) or something to make you think, perhaps be inspired, encouraged or simply recognize you are not alone. I’m going to keep it 100 with the intentions of not vomiting all over the pages. Hope you enjoy!

For my first journal entry I want to discuss something I have noticed about myself before but never really addressed it thoroughly. When I am tremendously challenged, troubled or depressed, I don’t eat. I mean I go straight hard cold turkey from the moment the dreariness sets in until I come out of the fog. There have been times when I wondered in the back end corners of my mind why I react this way. Well, I think I’ve come up with a few answers as I am in that cycle as I write.

  1. Self Punishment – This goes all the way back to decades and decades of depression, low self-esteem and self worth. Food to me is pleasurable. As a matter of fact, I really enjoy the anticipation of a great meal. It can be a fun ritual especially after a long day/evening at work. I get my little set up together, the meal is hot, the drink is the perfect companion and the combination is fit for the Great Wind Down. That’s what men call exhaling and relaxing. The Great Wind Down also may call for a toasty and tasty cigar again with the perfectly selected drink to accompany it. There I am, munching or puffing away while watching something entertaining on one of the assorted channels. Maybe sports, maybe comedy, maybe a drama. Either way, this process is a big ole A+ when it comes to reward centers in my brain. When I am sufficiently down, I don’t want the reward. I want to suffer. Not to mention the hunger pangs keeps me in remembrance of where I am in the first place. Keeps me mindful, sharp and cautious while observing my surroundings.
  2. Quietness – When I’m in this space my spirit tends to really settle down too. Well that’s after the initial mounds and mounds of anxiety that may or may not keep me up all night. This was the case just two nights ago. As tired as I was I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was surprised at how the next 16 hours went after getting up for work again. Anxiety can both wear you out and keep you up at the same time. It was only my utter fatigue and ganja gummies that assured my rest the next night. After the initial constant barrage of anxiety subsides some and I start to ‘think’ and observe what is going on inside my brain, I start examining why I feel the way I do a bit deeper. I try to decide if my feelings are righteous or reactionarily human. There is good food for thought when it comes to this exercise. I step away from being in the midst of the thing in my head and watch it from the outside. I try to be curious as opposed to critical. Where is my opportunity for growth? Especially since I know that deep inside my feelings of being hurt, feeling betrayed or whatever the case, my reaction is as primal as any wounded creature looking to survive a mortal threat. I’m a grown man, but the securities and protection methods I use were there as long as I can remember. Oh, and another thing… all of this going on is totally private. No one knows that I am not eating. If I am in a situation where it’s impossible to avoid a meal without questions, then I will choose to eat something to keep my inner matters to myself. In this quietness I focus real hard on my mental capacity. And most of all I don’t want to say or do anything to reveal what’s going on to anyone. Also and just as important, I don’t want to act or react out of the pain that I am suffering through. Doing that would just make things way worse. I would rather chill and lay in the cut till I figure out something intelligent and meaningful as a way to respond or move towards a resolution.

I think that’s what I got right now. As I sit here trying to think of more, they ultimately come back to one of the first two reasons. Just more details but pointing to the same picture. Less seen, less heard, more listening and doing what I can to deal with the tensions. May listen to a book, listen to music, (very specific made to the mood music) a podcast or silence. There does seem to be something pure about these moments though. They are truly intentional and shows some discipline.

If the thought crossed your mind and you’re wondering if I ever reach out for help in such situations, the answer is sometimes yes. I can recall feeling some type of way as folk say, and calling several people in my closest circle for comfort, advice or an ear. Several times I couldn’t get ahold of any of them. I always took that as a sign that I am supposed to deal with this challenge alone. So I do. There are some times when things are so bad, that only that one special friend will do – that’s cause he knows me, gets me, accepts me and never judges me. Even in that I am mindful not to pull that emergency card often. Only the worst of the worst. I do not take my friends for granted.

So that’s all I got for now. Feel free to comment if you like – or ask questions. Only positive vibes allowed.

Stay Safe

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Why I Hate The Holidays

Ok, well maybe hate is too strong a word.  Let’s just say I haven’t always looked forward to the holidays anyway.  Specifically the trilogy we call Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years, (TCN) that are slapped together the last two months of the year.  I am skeptical about several holidays anyway.  Most seem to have double meanings, in that its partial religious and partial if not mostly marketing.

Look at Easter for instance.   I grew up simultaneously thinking it was about the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ and at the same time for bunnies and egg hunting.  The same can be said for Christmas.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  Thanksgiving can’t get over with without stores opening up in anticipation of Black Friday and loads of shoppers coming to spend a lot of grip!

Know More About Aztec Culture Stereotypes and Myths in America.

Speaking of Thanksgiving; It has its own set of issues as it inaccurately tells of a relationship between pilgrims and Native Americans.  They talk about Native Americans helping the Pilgrims, but they don’t tell of the massacre and land grab the Pilgrims put down on them in return.  With the amount of turkeys being sacrificed on one day, it shows how much it’s commercialized too. ****Side Note: Will someone please explain what this whole mess of the president pardoning a turkey is about?

I tend to get into holidays like Veteran’s Day or Memorial Day, or something like these.  I mean they are commercialized too in that they do have Memorial Day sales in department stores.  But they tend to have less.  Labor Day is pretty straight forward.  It celebrates the workers of the nation.  And what the heck, if one wants to enjoy some savings at JC Penny’s for their hard-earned dollars who can argue with that?

Martin Luther King Day is almost a joke!  As much as I think we should have it for I truly believe MLK is the greatest American ever produced, the talk of dreaming and speeches is sickening.   It’s more memorial and legend than it is substance.  Take the good with the bad I guess.  But we, (black folk who want to deify King as a messiah who could do no wrong – and white folk who wish to use the dream message while eliminating the more meatier pieces of his words that challenged American white supremacy and classism at its core therefore rendering King a toothless lion) have basterdized Kings legacy as far as I’m concerned.  But I digress.

Valentines Day is a funny one to me.  Flower prices soar to astronomical proportion leading up to February 14 as men scramble and come up off them dollars to buy those roses and chocolate.  If you have a woman and she’s into that stuff, you can forget it!  Come off that grip or cancel Xmas cause if she feels dissed and can’t brag to her friends about what you did, there won’t be any presents for you under her tree!  I’m just saying.  As my friend Jim Thornber once wrote me about this same point, “I know I know.  But I got to do what I got to do!”

I’m not a total Scrooge about this mind you.  But even as a little kid I had love/skepticism relationship when it comes to holidays.  When I was a child and thought that Jesus was born on December 25th, I honestly didn’t care as much about presents.  I didn’t turn down any either.  But I did make a point of saying, “Happy Birthday Jesus!” when I woke up that morning before running for the living room.  As I recall I think I just thought us kids had the benefit of getting some presents on the slide.   I didn’t believe in Santa Clause too long cause I couldn’t figure how dude could hit all the houses all around the world in one night.  Just couldn’t wrap my brain around that.  All possible illusions were put to rest when I heard my mother and then step father sneaking in the crib at 3:30 in the morning setting up my race track.  I wasn’t disappointed at all.  More so relieved that I wasn’t crazy.

Back in the day,  another reason why I grappled with some of our holidays, (specifically the TCN trilogy) is because these holidays interrupted my otherwise action packed distractions layered lifestyle of mine.  (When I used to work 2-3 jobs at a time as a much younger man)  Most of my adult life I have struggled at times with depression, anxiety and stress.  Back then I worked hard and I worked a lot.  Therefore I was able to busy myself meandering with the important and the mundane.  If it wasn’t one thing to do it was another.   I’m still busy now but with a better plan.  The distractions are no different though.  Going from one side of town to another working or head to the coffee shop to wind down or jot some thoughts or view Delonte West free-styling in a KFC drive-through about buying $50 worth of chicken after a weed burn can keep one’s mind off his troubles.

I remember one year-long ago.  I was driving on a Thanksgiving afternoon to pick something up from Walgreens.   As I drove down the street I noticed how everything in the world has seemed to stop.  Here it was broad daylight in the middle of a metropolitan city, during the week no less, and there were hardly any cars on the street.   My neighborhood looked like a ghost town.  Subconsciously I noticed the trees too.  There were no leaves.  Only traces of dead ones laying on the streets and along the curbs.  Nothing was growing outside.  Nature seemed to be hibernating and the chill of the air cause me to cover myself so that the cold couldn’t attack me as it was the rest of nature.  That’s when it hit me.  “Damn!”, I thought.  These are the thoughts that flowed through my mind as I assessed the situation.

I have no place to go.  No place to hide.

 I knew instinctively that I was not in a good place.  I felt lonely, and empty.  I had no distractions to keep me busy and occupied.  I never even realized how much I was hurting or missing.  But here it was face to face now.

Whatever you really feel, wherever you really are, whatever state you are in for real, is always revealed during this time of year.  It’s unavoidable.

So there I was.  I knew it.  Nothing I could do about it either.  And Monday couldn’t get here fast enough.

For the most part nowadays I tend to look at holidays as an opportunity for me to rest.  To take a load off and maybe sleep in a bit.  I do see redeeming qualities with some of these holidays as they do give us time to reflect from busy lives and have a reason to stop, look, and hopefully listen to others.   To realize that family is important and that there is a season of giving.  Traditions can be a good thing when looked at properly.  And these holiday traditions tend to give those fortunate opportunity to take stock of the many present blessings.  I too will do some holiday shopping.  And since I have ‘things’ in perspective I am free to give and be a blessing to loved ones without tripping off the commercialized contradictions.

But for the lonely, the depressed, the homeless, the destitute, this holiday season will once again be a not so gentle reminder of the bold and true reality of their lives.  Let’s remember them too!  As I know full and well, it can easily be us!