SEXplorations: Unwrapping #MeToo, Patriarchy, Sex, Power & Responsibility – (A Series)

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Well the first thing I want to say is, this series is probably going to start a lot of shit! Not because of any attempts on my part to be provocative. But because subject matter, content, questions, comments and considerations will rarely if ever be politically correct. This lack of PC, however, is not a diss, nor am I insensitive nor paternal.  Rather, it’s to cut through the bullshit and have adult conversations regarding some of the most prolifically vital yet intractable social topics being dealt with today.

I can’t speak for other cultures around the world. But when it comes to America; sex, sexuality, sex education, and things associated, we have struggled and failed to unpack and extract them in a way that promotes knowledge of sex and self. When it comes to the sexual/self, what starts out as innate natural curiosity and search for discovery (as a child) is later jacked up from the outside by judgment, mischief, moral treaties and shame. After adding culture, media, and peer pressure to the mix, we try to find our sexual identities. Well good luck with that!

Let’s start with the sex education I received at a young age. The conversations I heard in my household were tantamount to, “Don’t bring no babies up in here!” I remember my then step father making some back handed comments about me ‘fucking.’ He told me he was going to buy me some ‘rubbers.’ I was between 12 – 13 at the time.  I’d heard of rubbers. I knew they had something to do with sex but I had no idea how they worked or why.

I remember a girlfriend who was far more ‘advanced‘ than I was. I say advanced because around the way she was known ‘fast.’ (Fast: Adj. Hood Term (2018 Edition) – a female who is eager to smash) She tried to introduce me to intercourse. After some kissing she laid on the floor, then pulled off her pants and panties. Stuck and spellbound I simply looked. She motioned me to follow suit. I did. But I had no idea what to do next. It’s not as if I wasn’t excited. But I didn’t know the ‘mechanics’ of how this was supposed to go. I put it on there but not in there. She was frustrated, I was disappointed. I walked out the door the same way I walked in… a virgin! But I did take some souvenirs home with me. While ‘making out’ she sucked on my neck. No one had ever done that before. All I knew was that it felt really really good. I didn’t know till I got home that my neck had red marks all over it. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, my eyes were as big as silver dollars. My heart was beating like crazy as I thought to myself, “What the f#@! my momma can’t see this! I looked for something to hide the evidence. I settled on a red paisley bandanna. Picture me walking around with this thing tied to my neck as if I was some faux cowboy… in the HOUSE!

If you are wondering what happened next, the answer is nothing initially. No one in my family said a word about it. That is until a few weeks later. Sitting my my mother’s room she asked me if I was ‘having sex yet.’ Aghast and embarrassed, I said , Nawwww momma!” I knew that sex was something physically intimate between people. I didn’t know exactly what, but I knew I hadn’t done it yet.  I admitted to the kissing. And that’s when she said, “Is that what you were doing when you got all those suck marks on your neck?” This moment could have been the very first Southwest Airlines commercial themed, “Wanna get away?” You could have bought me for a penny!  I mumbled something like, “Errrr, Uhhh…”

Apparently the hankey didn’t hide the hickeys!

Compared to my peers in school, I was probably a bit of an L7 when I was a kid. I was bright, inquisitive and idealistic. I was also naive, and at times gullible. If I had been schooled on the basics and nuances of sex and sexuality I was the kind of kid that was mature enough to handle that. But that wasn’t the case. All I got from that conversation with my mother was embarrassment and shame. She missed an opportunity to shape my sexual perceptions and mindset in her image. As a strong and wise black woman, imagine what a difference that could have made on this young man.

Moving forward, the only tools I had when it came to sex were my imagination, music, and TV/movies in an attempt to get a grip. Because of shame and lack of information, sex for me, while intriguing and mysterious, was also naughty; something to hide in secrecy.

Enter adulthood! I get married out of high school and of course there are sexual experiences. I searched for my sexual identity by trial and error, following someone else’s lead. By ‘sexual identity’ I mean answering these important questions:

  • Beyond physical pleasure should sex have an emotional component? If so, how much so?
  • Is there a difference between a sexual need and a sexual desire? (Nature vs Nurture?)
  • Is there a right and a wrong way to do it? What does it mean to be ‘good in bed?’
  • How do you communicate with your partner about what you want and how? Talk dirty or nice?”
  • What do you do if find yourself sexually attracted to a person who is not your partner?
  • What does sexual freedom and liberation look like internally?

Now, we’ve all had different experiences coming up. Some details may differ and some may be similar. Then there is the dynamic of how boys are taught sexual codes and values vs girls. The reality of having to figure sex out on your own by trial and error is the rule rather than the exception. With that said, should we be surprised to be in the shape we are in as a culture and society? Most of our early experiences start with the blind leading the blind. And that’s if you’re lucky. Otherwise there is potential for a power dynamic that could be exploited resulting in emotional distress, trauma and abuse. Such could have long lasting if not generational damage.

So what is my goal?

I have some strong opinions, but my hope is to encourage dialogue and share ideas regarding these matters. If I have anything to teach, I certainly hope to learn more through the experiences, ideas and thoughts of others.  I really hope people will open up, be honest and share. A healthy and loving exchange of ideas can make us better. If successful we can set a new trend marking an easier path for those coming after us.

For this to work we have to have a set of ground rules.

  • Honesty and sincerity are a must in order to move the conversation forward. Keep it real all the way around.
  • Try to have an open mind. As I said, I hope to learn something. I may start off standing on a point. If you believe I’m wrong, let’s reason together about specifics and nuances.
  • Be vulnerable. I know that’s hard. It’s hard for me. Telling that story about the hickeys at 13 is still highly embarrassing. And I’m 51!
  • There will be no sacred cows. What do I mean by that? Well I am totally pro the #MeToo movement, for example. That does not mean the movement is beyond critique. We should be able to handle some back and forth on potential hot topics like adults.

With that said… let’s get started! How would you answer the above questions regarding sexual identity? Would you add more questions? Feel free to comment via the blog comments section, Facebook or Twitter. For cohesiveness, admin may add comments from social media to the blog comments section.

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. – Stephen Hawking 

 

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A Salute To The Women Who Know Their Place

I have always been attracted to strong women. My mother is a strong woman. So is my sister. I can’t think of anything more stimulating and sexy than a woman who is confident, bright, thoughtful, self-aware, and my intellectual equal if not master.  I’ve never been intimidated by a woman’s strength. The only mystery in the beginning is understanding whether the strength being displayed is authentic and true as opposed to a cover to mask insecurity and pain. In this case what may look like strength is actually a facade. Beneath the cover is a wounded person who may have great potential to give and experience a beautiful love, but will use her tools as a weapon to strike as opposed to an artisan looking to build something.

I’ve experienced the latter in a few cases. What I perceived as a strong woman was in reality a strong willed woman. There is both a distinction as well as a difference. These women were bright, but they were also competitive within the relationships. Instead of looking to build consensus, they sought to carve out a space and claim territory. They’d dig trenches for the sole purposes of establishing as constitution their own sensibilities. It’s wasn’t easy for me to tell the difference between the strong vs strong willed women in my life. To the untrained eye they look like the exact same thing. It’s only after experiences that require humility, compromise, repentance and trust is authentication revealed. Where there is true strength, humility, compromise, repentance (when necessary) and trust are easy because the goal is beyond self-interest and competition. The goal is for each party in the relationship to win. It’s not to make someone pay for a debt that is intellectually or spiritually impossible to fulfill.

Some of my relationship failures caused me to question my ability to find my own ‘perfect match.’ I’d ask myself, “How do I in essence come up with basically the same (strong willed) chick over and over again?” Logically the common denominator is me! I started to think there was something about me that cause these ‘strong’ women to turn against me. Was I too kind, too graceful, or too easy to figure out?

Being honest and vulnerable early on, even if in limited layers has always been my idea of achieving a pathway to acceptance. Having safe spaces is an important foundation in my humble opinion. I enjoying sharing and being my authentic self with all of my quirks and unusual peculiarities. It can be painful to have your eccentricities rejected, made fun of, or taken advantage of; especially during a dispute. But therein lies an insight into whether one is strong or strong willed.

I see strong minded women (and men) all the time on social media. When it comes to relationships or prospective relationships, there is little hope and much skepticism.  I totally understand. The dating game can be so cruel. People are out here seeking ‘whatever’ for so many reasons. Rare are these reasons totally understood even by the person holding them. In any case, when conflict occurs defenses go up and before you know it, a confrontation is at hand.

I am not afraid of confrontation. I embrace it when I know the object is to resolve the conflict to achieve the best understanding. Many times, however, I’ve found that the women I was communicating with’s ultimately goal was to prove a point, or even worst to win the argument. For some their purpose wasn’t to achieve understanding, or establish healthy boundaries, but rather drawing lines that so that they could enjoy a privileged or Powered status. When discussing a disagreement and there is tension, I understand that she may not understand my intentions. She may think I am attempting to threaten or take something away from her identity or value.  I soften my approach taking the low road offering a clarification if necessary. Then I wait.

Will she soften as well and show some humility?  Or will she relish the victory and keep it moving? If the former, then we may very well be on to something. There is mutual respect as words are chosen carefully to maximize understanding and reduce the tension. If the latter, she’s not looking to build something, she’s looking to have her way. It only gets worse. I learned to distance myself in this scenario. No arguing, just acceptance. We can be cordial, but there is nothing for me to invest in. Soon, I’ll quietly walk away.

There is difference between a strong woman vs a strong willed woman. Though she can be both, a strong woman knows that she doesn’t always have to play her strength card to get things she needs in her relationship. This is of course assuming she has a strong man who wants to give and grow. Instead she is much more crafty and sophisticated in her methods.

I thought about five couples that I respect and admire the most. The women are brilliant and formidable, able to take on most any undertaking. The men are successful yet progressively growing and expanding their depths and potential. The women are the foundation and backbone in the unit. I’ve witnessed them demonstrate the one thing that supersedes Power in any relationship, influence. A strong recognize her areas of influence on her man and she uses it for the greater good.

A man can excel in a lot of areas on his own. But even a greatly accomplished man who doesn’t have the touch of a wise woman to counsel him is going to be a fool in many areas, even if he doesn’t realize he’s a fool. Show me a weak childish and petulant man, I’ll show you a woman who doesn’t influence him at all. (Insert face of the president here.) If you’ve ever seen the Netflix series, “House of Cards,” you’ve identified that the only reason Frank Underwood was a successful governor who parlayed that into the presidency is because of his wife Claire. Frank is the face, standing on the podium with prestige and respect. But Claire is the soul. Her influence, support and counsel were essentially and in advance of any potential successes to Frank’s highly aspired ambitions. Claire embraced her role as the soul and reveled in their ascension as a team.

So when I say, Salute To The Women Who Know Their Place, by ‘place’ I mean ‘role’. And make no mistake it is a role! Why? Because no matter what we (men) do in the marketplace, no matter how many people know our name or sing our praises regarding our exploits or popularity, no matter what kind of car we drive, when WE go home at the end of the day, WE know we ain’t shit unless and until our woman validates us and says we are.

Let’s face it; whether because of necessity through evolution visa-vi social or societal oppression and circumstance, women are often smarter and more intuitive than men; specifically regarding things men tend to be blind about. While we go through life looking to conquer one challenge or another, our women study us and knowing our strengths and weaknesses. They know when we are about to say or do something stupid. They have the ability to see the big picture when we are tunnel visioned. When a man lays eyes on a cake, he sees a cake. An intuitive woman considers the ingredients down to the infinite measurements. It doesn’t matter who makes the most money or who holds the most powerful position in the marketplace either. In a successful relationship, the joint recognition and understanding is differing roles, equal value. Each couple chooses the roles that work for them based on their given talents and strengths.

The woman who operates by influence and uses it accordingly to build her man up, praise him publicly and privately, doesn’t do things to damage his dignity, she has the ultimate power. You see influence IS power but with a soft ‘p’. It is to be shared. But I can’t stress how important it is for men to have the strong yet confidently reassuring touch of his woman’s influence.

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Examining how these play out:

Power (large P) Dominates – Influence Negotiates

Power is harsh and rigid – Influence is gentle and flexible

Power commands – Influence suggest

Power pushes – Influence nudges

Power breeds fear – Influence breeds loyalty and respect

Power says, “You must do this for me!” – Influence says, “I want to do this for you.”

Power produces minimum requirements – Influence produces above and beyond

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Hopefully this makes sense. I did my best not to appear chauvinistic and I hope the feminist reader (I consider myself one) allows for nuance in understanding my intentions here. I’m not assuming this is a woman’s obligation, or that affirming her man is her ONLY role in a relationship. What I am saying is that I absolutely witnessed though my own life and the lives of others the consequences of the woman who demands Power, and the rewards of ones who dispense influence. It’s like night and day, life and death.

 

Behold! The Power of the Pussy

There are many disadvantages to being a woman in this culture.  Historically they have had to fight for their rights to be respected and cherished by the men who rule the world around them.  Still today they make less on the dollar than males.  They face discrimination and often lack the full respect they deserve in this society.  Tradition, religion, and just plain ole ignorance have slowed the progress of the woman’s ability to fully shine and blossom in all the ways she can.  When she’s ultra feminine she can be mistaken for soft thus downplaying her true inner strength.  When she speaks her mind she’s considered a bitch or a barracuda.  If she’s really about her business some call her a dike.  But God gave the woman the ultimate weapon to assure that she will be listened to and heard at some point in this game of life.  And when mastered properly, it’s a tool fitting to be called God’s Great Equalizer.  And what is this great equalizer? Behold the Power of the Pussy!

Now before your proverbial panties (pun intended for both male and females) get into a bunch – check out the facts and listen up!  When we observe the pervasive cultures worldwide, men do rule the world.  They have founded cities, started nations, ruled kingdoms and conquered civilizations.  They have created inventions that have changed the world many times.  They have created organizations and established even the name of the street you live on.

And now what is there to all of man’s great innovations and accomplishments? It’s vanity and all for nothing unless he has with him the experience that rivals no other.  For man wants to – needs to – have the right woman to share his dreams – to help him manifest his visions – and to find that place of comfort that nothing else can give on the planet.  No amount of money, no amount of power, can give the man a feeling that he has in the comfort of the pussy that embraces him like he is the king of the world.

Ice-T put it this way….

Power – its starts with P like Pussy
She knows she’s got it
She doesn’t worry does she?
Spending your cash – leaving you in the trash
While your little head’s thinking – they’re gone in a dash
They got it – know it – that’s why they show it
The power sex – if man could overthrow it he’d be king in a day
No way – we get rich, hard, give it away.   -Power 1988

Now – when I say pussy, I am not talking about merely sex.  I am talking about the femininity of a woman – The softness of her voice and the touch of her hands – Because of the pussy she has the ability to approve or disapprove whatever the man is working on.  And let me tell you – when your pussy is happy – the whole house is happy.  When it’s not – let’s just say there is no good night’s sleep.  A man can accomplish great things.  And his boys and comrades can applaud with great approval.  But if his woman, the one that has the pussy does not approve… it may as well be dead.

The right woman has the ability to make a man believe in himself.  Her influence can make him a king or a pauper.  That is the power of the pussy.  You see it’s not just a physical thing.  It’s totally spiritual as well.  When a man enters a woman – and he respects the place that she allows him to dwell – he’s lost in the realm of fantasy that is his greatest reality.  Remember he was born from a pussy.  And like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz he just wants to go home. The roles are just reversed.  Instead of coming out of one he wants to enter one.  And instead of the pains of birth he gives her (his new momma) the pleasure of the rod.  And he does so at great pleasure until he releases himself totally into the places that are so private and intimate that it bonds him to her soul.  After that there is nothing left to give.  And when she comforts him, lets him know that he is approved and that everything is alright – you could kill him and he would die with a smile on his face.

Check the math and the history – even biblically.  David had a man killed to get the one that satisfied him the most.  Sampson gave up the source of his strength to a woman he knew was trying to get him killed.  And yet what was it about Delilah that caused him to tell her how he could be defeated anyway. It wasn’t merely the physical pussy – it was the mental and spiritual pussy.  She understood him – studied him – mastered him.  See if you relegate the pussy to mere physical characteristics you’ll miss the boat.  The pussy is the all encompassing aura of a woman, her total womanhood and her ability to communicate to her man as only she can.  Once she has him – she’s got him. Because only the comfort of her welcoming spirit and body can satisfy his soul.

The worst thing that can happen to a man – is to get caught up in the wrong pussy!  That’s a whole nother story!

And so it goes – If he buys a nice car he doesn’t really do it for himself.  It’s for a woman.  A nice house is to put the woman in.  Someone asked Eleanor Roosevelt what her life would be like had she not married Teddy.  She said she would still be first lady – because whomever she married would have been the president.  In other words – she’s saying that her pussy is king making material.  And with her influence any man she commits to will reach his maximum potential.  It’s automatic.

According to Genesis, God created man in His own image and in His likeness. But ever since, no man can be born except through the womb of a woman.  She is the passageway to the earth.  And there you have it – God’s great equalizer! Man may rule the world.  But a woman who understands the power of her pussy – will never lack any good thing.