You should always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision. If you choose to go with your woman’s suggestion even when deep in your heart you feel that another decision is more wise, you are in effect saying, “I don’t trust my own wisdom.” You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this. You are weakening your woman’s trust in you: why should she trust your wisdom if you don’t. – David Deida
This is one of first of many subtle lessons I started to learn in this book regarding women. My logical thinking leads me to believe that women are as straight out and plain as men are. Certainly they can be just as opinionated and stubborn as men. When she says something I’m thinking that she means exactly what she says. (More in the coming post regarding this ignorant state of mind on my part.)
My background has been one that has allowed for a certain amount of “accommodation” to the women in my life. Meaning that sometimes when we both disagree strongly about a particular direction we should take regarding whatever subject, if she protest enough it’s not unusual for me to give in for the sake of pleasing her. The reasons vary from wanting to keep the peace to appeasement. One would think (logically) that the woman would appreciate the humility of a man who would acquiesce. I think she still would if the situation fits the criteria where my mind is genuinely changed because I see her point of view is better than mine. However, if I do it for any other reason it surely will lead to a loss of respect and eventually a loss of trust in my abilities to lead.
Let me be clear: I totally respect a woman’s mind and her ability to see things that I can’t. I believe that’s one of the reasons that two can indeed be better than one. No matter how brilliant the man or woman, we all have our blind-spots. We are all shaped by a set of values that have been developed over time, circumstance and environment. Some of the best advice I ever had were from women who showed me the error in my judgment. At the same time, I believe inherently that in most cases and in most relationships, the woman is looking for a man to lead the direction of the couple/family. Its not that she can’t do it herself, but if she wanted to why would she need him? A man’s role is to lead – To handle business and responsibility. To take the pressure of having to be the dominate decision making figure in the relationship. Some who may hold to the feminist way of thinking may protest. But again I believe most women desire this of the man she is with. She wants him to have the intelligence to think, the fortitude to choose and the courage to carry out and take responsibility for what happens. I think most women desire this as she genuinely believes the man loves her and is capable of being a good leader.
Again this does not negate the value of the woman’s intelligence, skill or perspective. This is not a compare and contrast. Let’s face it, in many relationships the woman’s mind is far superior to her man’s. I gather that to most women the thing that attracts her most is not necessarily his mind, though she does want someone whom she can relate to. Its his ability to get things done in her life. He can be the most sophisticated, open-minded, and articulate cat in town. But if he can’t lead, make decisions and stand by them, she won’t care to keep him.
Perhaps this explains why some of the most sophisticated sisters go for rough-neck men. He may be dumb as a box of rocks, but he can get things done and make her feel protected.
Finally, the most important part of this lesson is understanding the damage it can cause a relationship when a man does not lead from his core and trust his own judgment. A man makes himself weak by second guessing his own core. Then he hurts his chance for clarity for future decision making opportunities. Like they say in spades, “Think long think wrong!” On the other hand, if the woman feels like she MUST take charge, she will feel like a mommy taking care of a little boy. If she has kids already she will count you among them. This turns her off spiritually and sexually as well. It is better for a man to listen fully to his woman, look at what is before him and make the best decision based on his internal compass. Even if he is wrong he will learn and be better for it. So will she.