The Man Bible 5: Never Change Your Mind To Please Your Woman

You should always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision.  If you choose to go with your woman’s suggestion even when deep in your heart you feel that another decision is more wise, you are in effect saying, “I don’t trust my own wisdom.”  You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this.  You are weakening your woman’s trust in you: why should she trust your wisdom if you don’t.  – David Deida

This is one of first of many subtle lessons I started to learn in this book regarding women.  My logical thinking leads me to believe that women are as straight out and plain as men are.  Certainly they can be just as opinionated and stubborn as men.   When she says something I’m thinking that she means exactly what she says.  (More in the coming post regarding this ignorant state of mind on my part.) 

My background has been one that has allowed for a certain amount of “accommodation” to the women in my life.  Meaning that sometimes when we both disagree strongly about a particular direction we should take regarding whatever subject, if she protest enough it’s not unusual for me to give in for the sake of pleasing her.  The reasons vary from wanting to keep the peace to appeasement.  One would think (logically) that the woman would appreciate the humility of a man who would acquiesce.  I think she still would if the situation fits the criteria where my mind is genuinely changed because I see her point of view is better than mine.  However, if I do it for any other reason it surely will lead to a loss of respect and eventually a loss of trust in my abilities to lead.

Let me be clear: I totally respect a woman’s mind and her ability to see things that I can’t.  I believe that’s one of the reasons that two can indeed be better than one.  No matter how brilliant the man or woman, we all have our blind-spots.  We are all shaped by a set of values that have been developed over time, circumstance and environment.  Some of the best advice I ever had were from women who showed me the error in my judgment.  At the same time, I believe inherently that in most cases and in most relationships, the woman is looking for a man to lead the direction of the couple/family.  Its not that she can’t do it herself, but if she wanted to why would she need him?  A man’s role is to lead – To handle business and responsibility.  To take the pressure of having to be the dominate decision making figure in the relationship.  Some who may hold to the feminist way of thinking may protest.  But again I believe most women desire this of the man she is with.  She wants him to have the intelligence to think, the fortitude to choose and the courage to carry out and take responsibility for what happens.  I think most women desire this as she genuinely believes the man loves her and is capable of being a good leader. 

Again this does not negate the value of the woman’s intelligence, skill or perspective.  This is not a compare and contrast.  Let’s face it, in many relationships the woman’s mind is far superior to her man’s.  I gather that to most women the thing that attracts her most is not necessarily his mind, though she does want someone whom she can relate to.  Its his ability to get things done in her life.   He can be the most sophisticated, open-minded, and articulate cat in town.  But if he can’t lead, make decisions and stand by them, she won’t care to keep him.

Perhaps this explains why some of the most sophisticated sisters go for rough-neck men.   He may be dumb as a box of rocks, but he can get things done and make her feel protected. 

Finally, the most important part of this lesson is understanding the damage it can cause a relationship when a man does not lead from his core and trust his own judgment.  A man makes himself weak by second guessing his own core.  Then he hurts his chance for clarity for future decision making opportunities.  Like they say in spades, “Think long think wrong!”  On the other hand, if the woman feels like she MUST take charge, she will feel like a mommy taking care of a little boy.  If she has kids already she will count you among them.  This turns her off spiritually and sexually as well.  It is better for a man to listen fully to his woman, look at what is before him and make the best decision based on his internal compass.  Even if he is wrong he will learn and be better for it.  So will she.

Advertisements

The Man Bible 3 – Live With An Open Heart, Even If It Hurts

Live With An Open Heart Even If It Hurts

 

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man’s true nature.  A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt.  If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one.  He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place. – David Deida

 

Oh boy!  This is a head banger for me!  WHAT?  Are you kidding?  Closing down in the midst of pain is my specialty.  And why shouldn’t it be?  Who wants to continue to punish themselves by subjecting themselves to further pain whether it is by way of cruelty or rejection from friends, a lover or whomever? 

 

I read this one and had to pause.  When I am confronted with these words, pain and bad taped memories rush to my mind and consciousness.  It would seem the logical thing to do, the smart and intelligent thing to do, the way that leads to survival is to step away from the pain as quickly and as completely as possible.  If you burn your hand on the stove do we leave it there for more?  I have gotten by some 40 years by doing this – though I have been known to stand and face some hard confrontations.

 

I can think of times when one of my daughters seemed to act as if she wanted nothing to do with me in spite of my coming to her time and time again.  I would explain possible misunderstandings to her and clear the air though I knew she was often stubborn or the recipient of bad information. After a while I would say to myself, “How many times must I come to you?  You are old enough to take a step yourself.  I am tired of putting myself out there to be rejected!”  Sometimes those close to me would say that I should keep extending the open arms regardless.  They say she will come back around and see that you were down with her all the time.  Hmmm.

 

My spirit man understands fully the need to remain open and to love unconditionally through my pain.  It recognizes that this is essential to true and authentic love being displayed.  It resonates with the fact that often it takes this kind of love to break the walls of pain in the heart of others in order to heal, cleanse, and initiate the process of reconciliation.  It understands fully well that this is totally necessary.  And yet in my present state I have not attained.  Sure there have been times where I have stepped to the plate to take some more swings during the process of spiritual and emotional battles.  These are occasions when I seek that small glimmer of hope that the reaction to my attempts will be welcomed and accepted. But for the most part, I run like hell from pain.  The funny part is that rarely does it ever work.  If anything I can temporarily suppress it with self mediated methods.  But that only last for so long. 

 

I know that I need to grow in this area.  And I believe I will.  I have to learn to turn pain in to my friend and see it as a challenge that calls for my best to overcome.  My mind gets it.  My heart understands it.  For this to become who I am however will only come by experience.  And in the midst of the heat it’s hard to see the other side. Brothers and sisters I readily admit – I am not there yet.  But I want to be. I will strive to be.  Lord help me.

The Man Bible 2:Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

 

Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done.  They think, “If I can work enough, then one day I could rest.” Or, “One day my woman will understand something and then she will stop complaining.” Or, “I’m only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life.”  The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way.  They won’t.  It never ends.  As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift.  – David Deida

 

A scripture came to mind to me when I read this for the first time. 

 

Genesis 8:22 For as long as Earth lasts,  planting and harvest, cold and heat,  Summer and winter, day and night will never stop.”

 

This to me refers to the cycles of life.  Though each day has its own special gifts and opportunities to present, there are some basic fundamentals that will never change.  Planting and harvest talks about labor or putting in work, as well as receiving rewards for that work.  Cold and heat are about the ups and downs we experience during this journey.  Regardless of how well we lead our lives, none of us are exempt from difficulties, challenges, hurtful experiences and losses.  If we hang in there we will also have our experiences of unspeakable joy as well.

 

As a man, I find that I enjoy doing and completing task.  Completing task solves problems.  And yet I find that I can complete a task and think I have graduated that particular lesson – sometimes only to battle the same things over again.  Something or someone is always in some sort of need – as am I.  I have often though that once I get a particular lesson everything will be ok.  Once I understand and walk in a principle things will change.  But as the writer says, they do not.  The only thing that can change is me.  I can get better, develop more understanding and attain strategies to operate more smoothly through adversity. 

 

The issue is not solving all the problems in my life. (Though I am a problem solver by nature)   The issue is to learn from the lessons and grow into a person who transcends my challenges, embracing the flow of yin and yang – understanding that some basic lessons are taught over again in varying degrees.  I suppose this is what it means in understanding that life is not about the destinations but the journey.  If I journey well, I will reach certain destinations.  But like one of those video games the levels just keep coming and with the new levels come new degrees of difficulties.  The further I go, the more “points” I can gain as my skill level increases.  I become qualified for more challenges, but the game will never end.

 

In terms of dealing with the woman who complains or doesn’t seem to ever understand me, Deida says it best:

 

The feminine always seems chaotic and complicated from the perspective of the masculine.  The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer __________ (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way.  (whatever you filled in the blank with) Embrace her or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off.  Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you.  You can’t escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find the humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much.  The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.

 

Can the church say Amen?

 

By the way, I decided to roll with this topic every weekday till it’s done.  If I decide to write about something else as well – I will.  But for me this is what is hot.  So I will ride it out. 

 

Tomorrow, “Live With An Open Heart, Even If It Hurts.” 

 

 

The Man Bible: A Series from BB&G

Folks, it has finally happened.  I read a lot of books.  Some of them are very good.  Practically, I used to buy them all and then I got hip to this little known gem called the library where I can read them for free.  J  Some books aren’t available at the library.  However, some that are are so good that even after I’ve read them, I still had to purchase it to preserve my own copy.  The book I am about to introduce is such a book.  As a matter of fact, this book (though I have not completed it yet) is so significant that I plan to always have it close to my person to remind me of its many principles.  Some of them I have read repeatedly and yet it seems as if I get something fresh each time. 

 

MEMO TO MEN: If you are 100% the total man not lacking in any areas of understanding, disregard the rest of this post.  Otherwise if you are like me working towards attaining total manhood get this book in your hands. 

 

The book is called, “The Way of the Superior Man,” A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire.  Written by, David Deida, it has spoken more to my core than any piece of literature I have come across.  It speaks towards my life and purpose as it relates to a level of manhood I truly desire for myself.  I have already recommended it to a good friend, and will give it out as gifts to other men.  I cannot say I subscribe to every single principle in the book, (Everything will not apply to everyone.) I see the totality of the work as significant and vital to being the man I would admire and respect the most.  It’s so challenging that some of it I just laughed at knowing it was right but that I was far from it. This work is a life changer.  Once read all the rules change. I am hooked.

 

Book Cover

 

I am not sure how often I will do this- perhaps once a week I will share a challenge in the book and when applicable relate an example to my own life.  If you are a man or a woman, feel free to comment on some of these principles.  Tell us if you agree or not.  When it speaks of things related to the interactions of women and men, a woman’s point of view is definitely welcome.  More and more I am finding that women are hard to understand.  Sometimes it seems impossible.  But indeed it’s very possible to learn to manage a level of resonating and acceptance based on her gifts and ways of thinking.  My whole educational process on the matter is being totally revamped.  And I can see where I have been banging my head to no end. 

 

Let’s start to review some principles tomorrow.  After that I will decide how often and what days we can discuss the principles.  In the meantime, as I said earlier I suggest picking up a copy whether through the library or your local bookstore.  I warn you though – be ready to re-think some things.  And regardless of how much you buy into personally, the wisdom in this book will not allow you to remain the same.  Here’s to growth!