Back at it… Personal Journal Entries

So I have had this blog spot for well over 10 years. And it’s true that I haven’t been the writer I wished to be. The thing is, I have to really be motivated and passionate about my writing. Not necessarily a bad thing but definitely can add to the lack of words. Not to mention I have been rather active on my YouTube channel podcast. (Click like and subscribe to 4RealThoShow.) Anyhoo, I have the itch at least temporarily with this brilliant idea of mine.

You now how people say you should journal? Well I have started more than a few. I used to fuss over whether it was better to type, or write out the words. And with few exceptions, most of the time when it comes to the doing one way or the other I come up blank. But this time…. I said this time I may be on to something new. It’s not exciting to me when I think of writing on some blank paper or type into a word document thoughts that only I would see. Not to say there isn’t a place for that. But right now, I would like to start journaling again for the umpteenth time with the exception of I will share my thoughts with the world. The reason is simple. For years the bulk of my motivation in life is to leave this world a better place than where it was when I showed up. I find in my podcast people relate to my honestly and vulnerability. I’m that guy that often says things that others just think. There are levels to this and there are even things I wouldn’t say that others do. I find those freeing. With that as this journey begins my hope is that somewhere someplace someone will get some something they need. It can be a laugh, (yes you may laugh with or at me) or something to make you think, perhaps be inspired, encouraged or simply recognize you are not alone. I’m going to keep it 100 with the intentions of not vomiting all over the pages. Hope you enjoy!

For my first journal entry I want to discuss something I have noticed about myself before but never really addressed it thoroughly. When I am tremendously challenged, troubled or depressed, I don’t eat. I mean I go straight hard cold turkey from the moment the dreariness sets in until I come out of the fog. There have been times when I wondered in the back end corners of my mind why I react this way. Well, I think I’ve come up with a few answers as I am in that cycle as I write.

  1. Self Punishment – This goes all the way back to decades and decades of depression, low self-esteem and self worth. Food to me is pleasurable. As a matter of fact, I really enjoy the anticipation of a great meal. It can be a fun ritual especially after a long day/evening at work. I get my little set up together, the meal is hot, the drink is the perfect companion and the combination is fit for the Great Wind Down. That’s what men call exhaling and relaxing. The Great Wind Down also may call for a toasty and tasty cigar again with the perfectly selected drink to accompany it. There I am, munching or puffing away while watching something entertaining on one of the assorted channels. Maybe sports, maybe comedy, maybe a drama. Either way, this process is a big ole A+ when it comes to reward centers in my brain. When I am sufficiently down, I don’t want the reward. I want to suffer. Not to mention the hunger pangs keeps me in remembrance of where I am in the first place. Keeps me mindful, sharp and cautious while observing my surroundings.
  2. Quietness – When I’m in this space my spirit tends to really settle down too. Well that’s after the initial mounds and mounds of anxiety that may or may not keep me up all night. This was the case just two nights ago. As tired as I was I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was surprised at how the next 16 hours went after getting up for work again. Anxiety can both wear you out and keep you up at the same time. It was only my utter fatigue and ganja gummies that assured my rest the next night. After the initial constant barrage of anxiety subsides some and I start to ‘think’ and observe what is going on inside my brain, I start examining why I feel the way I do a bit deeper. I try to decide if my feelings are righteous or reactionarily human. There is good food for thought when it comes to this exercise. I step away from being in the midst of the thing in my head and watch it from the outside. I try to be curious as opposed to critical. Where is my opportunity for growth? Especially since I know that deep inside my feelings of being hurt, feeling betrayed or whatever the case, my reaction is as primal as any wounded creature looking to survive a mortal threat. I’m a grown man, but the securities and protection methods I use were there as long as I can remember. Oh, and another thing… all of this going on is totally private. No one knows that I am not eating. If I am in a situation where it’s impossible to avoid a meal without questions, then I will choose to eat something to keep my inner matters to myself. In this quietness I focus real hard on my mental capacity. And most of all I don’t want to say or do anything to reveal what’s going on to anyone. Also and just as important, I don’t want to act or react out of the pain that I am suffering through. Doing that would just make things way worse. I would rather chill and lay in the cut till I figure out something intelligent and meaningful as a way to respond or move towards a resolution.

I think that’s what I got right now. As I sit here trying to think of more, they ultimately come back to one of the first two reasons. Just more details but pointing to the same picture. Less seen, less heard, more listening and doing what I can to deal with the tensions. May listen to a book, listen to music, (very specific made to the mood music) a podcast or silence. There does seem to be something pure about these moments though. They are truly intentional and shows some discipline.

If the thought crossed your mind and you’re wondering if I ever reach out for help in such situations, the answer is sometimes yes. I can recall feeling some type of way as folk say, and calling several people in my closest circle for comfort, advice or an ear. Several times I couldn’t get ahold of any of them. I always took that as a sign that I am supposed to deal with this challenge alone. So I do. There are some times when things are so bad, that only that one special friend will do – that’s cause he knows me, gets me, accepts me and never judges me. Even in that I am mindful not to pull that emergency card often. Only the worst of the worst. I do not take my friends for granted.

So that’s all I got for now. Feel free to comment if you like – or ask questions. Only positive vibes allowed.

Stay Safe

Fact Is – Truth Is (Part 2) Absolute Truth – fact or fiction

In Part 1 of the post concerning truth – I mentioned my background within the Christian faith community.  Some things have changed over the years concerning what is emphasized in Christian teachings – mainly in evangelically influenced circles within the scope of the political climate of the last 12 years.  I sometimes tune in to the local Bott Radio broadcast which feature many of the prominent preachers around the country.  Most of these preachers lean toward conservative principles and preach the bible from that perspective.  Lately I have heard a lot of teaching about absolute truth – and how liberals and Darwin type thinkers reject the absolute truth of God’s word and principles as an excuse to pretty much do and behave as they please.  They stress this absolute truth vigorously and yet in incomplete fashion. As I listened to one program I kept wondering initially what the speaker meant as he touted the surety of absolute truth and how we should embrace it – and yet I didn’t grasp what he meant specifically.  Upon more listening I learn that the absolute truth they refer to are directly related to a few key items.  First that Jesus Christ is the only way one can have salvation and peace with God.  This is influenced by the growing number of competing religions in this country; namely Islam.   This in spite of this nation’s founding principles which Evangelicals regularly tout in terms of the Constitution, The Amendments etc. – not including freedom of religion.  The rest of these absolute truths fit into the scope of the hot button issues most prevalent to evangelicals such as gay and lesbian rights, (or lack thereof) abortion, and now including the overall conservative agenda as it relates to prospective laws and the judges who will enforce these laws.  Some call it biblical worldview – but by that they mean their worldview of what the bible is saying.While I certainly hold to the principles of seeking the absolute truth as stated in the previous post – I am skeptical of someone or some organization flaunting a specific definition and manifestation of said truth to fit their paradigm for the rest of humanity.  This is because as much as I do believe that truth is absolute, I do not believe in absolute truth as it is taught within these circles.  I’ll explain:To preach absolute truth from a theological and religious perspective is easily flawed even by biblical standards.  To prove this I will use a scripture reference: I Corinthians 13:8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.This scripture speaks of the human condition with its flaws and discrepancies.  Let’s look at the continual conflicts within scripture itself.  Notice I didn’t say contradiction – but conflicts or juxtapositions for differing areas in which the same God acted differently than most any theologian can justly explain. 

I remember being in a Christian men’s meeting – and we were discussing God’s ways and what we know to be His will.  The leader spoke of how some things are just givens that we can know for sure when it comes to what He wants from us.  Like for instance we know God’s will is not for us to kill anyone.   I having the inquisitive mind that I have – being the antagonist for deeper through – I posed a question as to how are we to really know that to be His will in every situation.  I mean after all we know that one of the Ten Commandments talk about not killing or murdering anyone – and yet according to scripture many times God endorsed and even ordered the killings of tens of thousands – many including women, children and animals.  As a matter of fact, King Saul was demoted from his throne in lieu of David because he did not kill everything he was supposed to – and yet David was NOT demoted after he took Uriah’s wife and had the man intentionally killed as a way to cover up her pregnancy.  This is not to say that David didn’t suffer – as he lost the son who was conceived.  But then he had another one named Solomon – who built the temple that David was not allowed to build because of the blood on his hands.

Notice that Solomon had several hundred wives and concubines – God never said a word to him about it.  Instead he warned him against marrying women who had other gods not associated with the God David taught him about.  In this case the issue in the scripture is not the amount of wives or concubines – it was their religious preference that God called into question.   Many men had multiple wives and according to the scriptures God found these things perfectly acceptable.  When I posed this question about how we now tout God’s will about marriage being one man and one woman – how God ordered hits against the enemies of Israel including children – the answer I was given was that, “That was the old testament.”  I asked for an explanation seeing that the bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and forever – the moral dilemma even for the old testament seems antithetical to anything we know of today.  If David were King of Israel today and the news of he and Bathsheba hit CNN – any preacher, priest or rabbi would be hard pressed to accept his moral failings, or invite him to speak as God’s representative.  As a matter of fact they would seek to have him ousted – and yet not only did God keep him on the throne, there is a scripture that says David was a man after God’s own heart.  We Christians love David because he was quick to repent and he gives us hope within our own moral downfalls – and yet the same Christians wanted to stone Bill Clinton and toss his behind clean out of the White House for the same thing – minus the pregnancy and murder. 

Speaking of David – the bible says that he and Saul’s son Jonathan shared a love that was deeper than that of a love between a man and a woman.  What is that about?  Did David have a little sugar in his tank too?  Did he and Jonathan practice a little bow and arrow in the wilderness while getting to know one another?  Who knows?  I certainly don’t… and the truth is nobody does.  Republicans love Abraham Lincoln and say that they are “The Party of Lincoln.”  And yet a simple study will find that Lincoln slept with a man nightly.  This is not a commentary regarding an opinion of homosexuality – these are just questions I asked in a bible study class.  I didn’t profess to have the answers – and I didn’t suspect any of the committed Christian men in the meeting could produce them either.  But what was most sad, is that they were so closed minded and fearful of their theology being shot to hell in a hand basket – they would not even discuss the issues.  I felt to grapple with these matters would create stimulating discussion and debate – which stimulate the mind to learn and get a bit closer to what the truth may be in these matters – regardless of whether we actually got the answers as gospel.

So where does that lead us?  As much as I search for the highest form of truth – I understand and acknowledge as the scripture says – I know in part – I understand in part.  What I know about my Creator is in part.  I have lived 41 1/2 years – I can’t make one tree – one bird etc.  I can’t explain the universe or how the human body and spirit live together.  The world functioned before I showed up and I suspect it will go on without me.  And even what I feel I know now is subject to modification.  

Even if we were to get the whole truth from our Creator who formed the entire universe – who is to say we could comprehend or understand it?  Puuuulease!  There is not that much intellect in the world – for intellect is limited and some things are caught and not taught.  AND we are created beings – we have creative ability but to brag that we are carriers of the complete and divine understanding on par with an everlasting spiritual greatness we have come to understand as God is tremendously short-sighted, arrogant and plain stupid at best. 

That’s my take – what’s yours?

Fact Is – Truth Is (Part 1)

Growing up in the Christian faith community “confession” was a prevalent teaching among the congregations I associated with.  The faith movement was based highly on words – ala God created the Heavens and Earth with words… Jesus is called The Living Word – There are scriptures that say life and death are in the power of the tongue – and that those of the faith should call things that be not as though they were and so forth.   Today many Christians are very careful about what they say.   They do not want to claim negativity.  I recall seeing people appear to have a cold, and as he/she coughs and sneeze say in the next breath – “I’m not going to claim sickness.  I am perfectly fine.” 

I can understand the thinking – I do believe the mind is one of the most powerful forces in the universe and the words we say on an ongoing basis make a difference in our state of being.  However, sometimes I think we take it too far.  In other words there is a difference between faith and denial.  One does not have to deny facts to in order to seek out and confess a higher truth.  For there is a difference in facts and truth.  I would define it this way. says of a fact in short;

Fact – Knowledge or information based on real occurrences

But truth is as I define it for the purposes of this post…

Truth – the highest form of reality – an ultimate universal treaty

Truth would not deny a fact but would supersede it.  So for a person was sick or depressed and yet understand that their ultimate state should not be sickness or depression – it would not be best to deny what is evident.  But yet what is evident is not necessarily the last word.  Facts are outside manifestations, but truth is ultimate destination.   So one could admit to the fact that he/she is afflicted with sickness, and yet not deny the ultimate purpose and destination of wellness.  Facts are temporary and yet if to US those facts become truth – then they become one in the same. 

Ultimately people live by and make decisions based on the truth as they know it – not the facts.  For example, I recall driving my car and running out of gas with money in my pocket before.  Well I knew by intellect or ‘fact’ that the car could indeed run out of gas – and yet the ‘truth’ is I didn’t really believe it or else I would have stopped and added gas to the car before it happened.  As the hand slipped to the left of the ‘E’ I thought I had more and more time.  Well once that happened to me once – it has never happened again.  The potential for walking because a reality to me – especially cause it was like 15 degrees below zero that night. 

Simple as it may seem we all live by the truth that we know in our hearts – not the facts that we learn.  Or else we all by way of knowledge would live and do everything we know to do.  We wouldn’t abuse our bodies with alcohol and drugs.  We wouldn’t eat the wrong things if we really “knew” that those things were killing us.  Obviously knowledge is not what we lack.  Our personal realization of “truth” is what guides us in the long run. 

I submit that our task is to recognize and acknowledge the obvious.  We have needs, we are faulty, we have potential to be great and regardless there will be the best and worst of times.  At the same time we should strive to learn that which is true – that which surpasses facts for it is by those principles that we are led most. 

Part 2 Next…. “Absolute Truth” – fact or fiction