Trump v Jesus – An Interview with The Bunion

Recently Donald Trump made headlines with comments he made about Pope Francis.  Francis made references to Trump’s stance on immigration as relating to Christianity, and Trump went in as he usually does;  full of bravado and insults.

With that we were excited as we already had an interview set up with ‘The Donald.” Intrigued at his ferocious attack on The Pope, we scrapped our previous agenda on discussing foreign policy and the economy.  Instead we wanted to ask his opinions on another revered religious figure, Jesus Christ Himself.  As usual, he was enthusiastic to voice his opinion.  Enjoy the transcripts.

The Bunion: Thank you for coming Mr. Trump.  Let’s get to the point.  The Pope challenged your views on immigration which sparked a debate.  What do you think Jesus would have to say about the tiff between the two of you?

Trump: Listen, I know Jesus.  He’s been an awesome messiah.   This is in spite of the salacious circumstances surrounding his birth.  I mean, who does he think we are buying this fantasy about a virgin birth?  I mean is he kidding or what?  

The Bunion: Wait a minute…

Trump:  I have people in Jerusalem right now who have proof that Mary was not impregnated by a spook, (though I love black people) or a ghost for that matter.  Joseph was under pressure and he owed some debts so he had to get in line and support the conspiracy.  I’ll be revealing the results of my very comprehensive investigation soon.  It’s going to be amazing when you see what I’ve uncovered.  But Jesus is a wonderful guy!  I’m just saying we should all seek to know the truth!   It should be noted that he himself had many advantages that I didn’t have.  As you know I started with only a million dollars.  Jesus had three wise men.  I don’t know about you but where I come from, the Italians associate ‘wise men’ with the Mafia!  Well anyway it appears they gave him more than some fragrances if you know what I mean!?  No wonder he’s held power for so long right?  The Pope is afraid to side with The Donald. Because he knows he could have a leg or an arm broken, or worse end up swimming with the fishes in the Dead Sea.  However, if Francis or whatever his name is apologizes, I will forgive him and offer him my protection.  I’m talking about better protection than Farrakhan is providing for Beyonce!

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The Bunion: Wow.  Ok.  Well, Jesus did perform miracles.  You do know that right Don?  Have you preformed any miracles?

Trump: You mean that turning water into wine thing?  That was a bootlegging operation.  I told you that Jew was connected.  But I’m not judging.  I love the Jews.  The Jews have been very good to me! 

The Bunion: But Mr. Trump, the disciples never mentioned a word about Mafia connections.  The books in the bible, specifically the gospels in the New Testament all maintain that miracles happened. Not just the ‘water into wine’, I’m talking about healing the sicks and casting out demons.  Are you disputing all of that?

Trump: I’m glad you asked that question!  Let’s talk about the ‘disciples.’  They were thugs and criminals.  You do recall when that Peter guy chopped off the ear of one of Jesus’ detractors.  Sounds like criminal behavior to me!  These guys were a rag tag group who terrorized everywhere they went.  If you read ‘One Two, or Three Hezekiah, you would know that.  But that’s OK.  I’m here to teach you.  The government was able to turn a states witness against him… Judas.  But he was also mysteriously murdered before he could testify!  Still, I think they all turned on Jesus because last I saw, they weren’t around when he was crucified.  Now listen, how can you be a winner if you are hanging from a tree with nails in your hands and feet?  People get excited about Jesus being crucified for their sins.   I don’t know about the rest of America, but I admire messiahs who don’t crucified!  Elect me for president.  I’m telling you right now I will not be crucified.  Crucifixion is for losers!  I am a winner!  

The Bunion:  Are you sure you want this on the record Mr. Trump?  There are many Christians out there who may take offense to what you are saying here.

Trump:  I’m only telling you what I know to be true.  Not to speak ill of the dead.  But if Jesus is alive, then surely Fox News, CNN or your magazine can get an interview or a recent photo.  I don’t mean a painting.  I mean Jesus standing next to a Toyota on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles.  He probably would drive a Toyota right?  Whatever. He’s dead that’s my point.  I’m alive and I’ll never die.  Dying is for losers.  I am a winner.  My disciples are loyal!  Vote for me, Donald J Trump and America is going to be winning so much, The Pope will gladly beg to offer his robe and his sceptor just to have a meeting with me in the Oval Office.  

Editors Notes:

****Since this interview, a new poll shows that support among Christians for Trump has risen 18%.

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Next Week: We are interviewing Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas.  Carson will discuss his blackness and Thomas will discuss…

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A People’s History of Pots, Kettles, Finger Waggers, Bullies, and Accidental Amnesiacs

The wonderful thing about being in America is having the ability to speak one’s mind.  Not only that, there are so many ways an individual can express his/her thoughts these days via social media.  Add to these traditional media such as newspapers, magazines and television, we find ourselves surrounded with 24/7 access to thought and opinions on all subjects political, social, religious and so forth.

What I do find particularly frustrating at times is the simplicity and lack of nuance and imagination within many thoughts and opinions.  With the tools we have to communicate with one another, there is so much opportunity to discuss, debate, and grow as a society.  But what seems to happen on most occasions, is that the simplest, most unsophisticated thoughts are the ones that not only get the headlines, but are also leading the discussions. I plan to follow that thought up with another blog post soon.  But for this thought, I will direct my attention to the trending topic of Michael Sam being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

Personally, I don’t care what people think of Sam in terms of his sexuality.  You can be for it or against it.  In this world, and certainly in this country, people are going to have an opinion on what they think is right or wrong for whatever reason.  As we can see via many comments on Sam kissing his boyfriend on ESPN as he spoke to Rams’ brass,  there is no shortage of opinions on either side.  I’ll address my thoughts on it shortly.

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People who know me understand that I have no sacred cows when it comes to my perspectives.  All of us individually and as a group deserve a basic level of respect. And we all deserve our fair share of criticism. I love being black and I love black people.  That doesn’t mean I vouch for everything black folks say and do.  I am pro equal rights for all, regardless of ethnicity, political, religious preference, sexual orientation and so forth.  Still, I don’t blindly endorse what any political party, Christians, Muslims, atheist, the straight or gay community says and do either. Unfortunately, far too many have a ‘you’re for me or against me’ victimization mentality, when they are called on the carpet for inconsistencies or hypocrisies.

With this in mind, on the subject of Sam’s PDA with his male partner, I have a message to all parties who care.

The Religious/White Folk: I’ve already spoken to you about this before.  Be anti-gay.  Just don’t talk to me about morality and your kids seeing Sam and his boyfriend kissing on TV.  Fact of the matter is, Ray Rice knocked his fiancee’ the hell out and I don’t see any of you protesting that.  Straight players have publicly cheated on their wives, laid pipe all over the country, objectify women in strip clubs making it rain… and again, you never mentioned that in your pulpits or your social media formats.  What trips me out the most though, is that for every preacher, politician and anti-gay public figure, a certain percentage of them are closet drag queens, or somebody on the down low having sex with men.  Seriously?  

The Religious/Black Folk in General: See message to white folk.  But add to this that as you say things like, “I’m tired of this being thrown in my face; when you say, “Yuck!” or “Gross” or “I don’t want my kids to see this on TV…,” remember that Dorothy Dandridge got in a pool at a hotel, and the same white folks who said they don’t have a problem with black people had that pool drained. Traditionally, racist white folks have always had a use for black folks.  As slaves, mistresses, servants, entertainers, or even as a ‘friend.’  JUST NOT AS EQUALS.  There are layers.  I don’t expect everyone to accept me for who I am.  But not attacking me is not the same as respecting me and protecting my right to exist as an equal!  For a person to say I have gay friends/family,  but I wouldn’t teach my kids that it’s OK, is like saying, I don’t have anything against black people, I just don’t want my kids dating them.  It’s still bigotry.  At least admit that.  That doesn’t make you a criminal, it just means there is some potential for growth.

**Most bigotry is in some form or fashion related to sexual fears and myths.  That’s another story.**

Look, we all have biases to overcome. The first time I saw Omar Little kiss his partner on The Wire, I was like, “Whoa WAIT!  What just happened?  It wasn’t a shock because it was sickening.  It was shocking because I hadn’t seen it before.

Black people especially should be mindful of our own history with biases against us and the imagery that was important towards our own progression as a people. When I was a kid, I remember my parents gathering us around the television to watch The Flip Wilson show because there wasn’t another show like that for black people.  There were hardly NO shows for black people. From ‘Good Times’ to ‘The Jeffersons,’ we were able to receive images on television about our families, our values, often referencing issues that were important to us.  Many times in Southern states, they refused to show black people in a light that was integration friendly.  They lost their minds when Petula Clark touched Harry Belafonte’s arm in 1968.  Can you imagine what it was like when Jim Brown (who was then the personification of black male sexual power and prowess) did a love scene with white sex symbol Rachel Welch in “100 Rifles?”  Talk about an OMG moment!  This struggle has continued despite many strides.  Even when the Cosby show was on, many criticized the show because they felt a black family with a father who was a doctor and a mother who was an attorney was ‘unrealistic.’

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Naturally, the gay and lesbian community is going to support images on television that reflect a celebration of their value and right to exist.  So seeing Sam kiss his boyfriend at the pinnacle point of his life is a big deal.  There is no gay conspiracy to force acceptance upon the straight community.  Will and Grace is for them is what Sanford and Son was for us.

Acknowledging this puts me in the cross hairs of many of my straight friends. Even now, on social media when I defend gays, I am often assumed to be gay. They say things like, “I don’t care about what you do with your life.” When I try to show them the parallel between our plights with bigotry, I’m told, “Be gay and do you!  Enjoy your lifestyle… but don’t force it down my throat!”   Remind me of how many whites were and are called “nigger lovers,’ when they stand up for our rights as a people.

I believe the topics of free thought/free speech is a wonderful thing to discuss.  Donald Sterling’s fiasco as well as Michael Sam’s coverage are just the latest opportunity which brings that subject to bear.  I just hope that we maximize all these thoughts and speeches to do more than hyperbolize.

You know what came to my mind when I first saw the kiss?  I thought, “Look, Michael Sam is just like most other African-American big time athletes.  They get to college and go white!  No different!

See,.. now there is a bias for you!