Trump v Jesus – An Interview with The Bunion

Recently Donald Trump made headlines with comments he made about Pope Francis.  Francis made references to Trump’s stance on immigration as relating to Christianity, and Trump went in as he usually does;  full of bravado and insults.

With that we were excited as we already had an interview set up with ‘The Donald.” Intrigued at his ferocious attack on The Pope, we scrapped our previous agenda on discussing foreign policy and the economy.  Instead we wanted to ask his opinions on another revered religious figure, Jesus Christ Himself.  As usual, he was enthusiastic to voice his opinion.  Enjoy the transcripts.

The Bunion: Thank you for coming Mr. Trump.  Let’s get to the point.  The Pope challenged your views on immigration which sparked a debate.  What do you think Jesus would have to say about the tiff between the two of you?

Trump: Listen, I know Jesus.  He’s been an awesome messiah.   This is in spite of the salacious circumstances surrounding his birth.  I mean, who does he think we are buying this fantasy about a virgin birth?  I mean is he kidding or what?  

The Bunion: Wait a minute…

Trump:  I have people in Jerusalem right now who have proof that Mary was not impregnated by a spook, (though I love black people) or a ghost for that matter.  Joseph was under pressure and he owed some debts so he had to get in line and support the conspiracy.  I’ll be revealing the results of my very comprehensive investigation soon.  It’s going to be amazing when you see what I’ve uncovered.  But Jesus is a wonderful guy!  I’m just saying we should all seek to know the truth!   It should be noted that he himself had many advantages that I didn’t have.  As you know I started with only a million dollars.  Jesus had three wise men.  I don’t know about you but where I come from, the Italians associate ‘wise men’ with the Mafia!  Well anyway it appears they gave him more than some fragrances if you know what I mean!?  No wonder he’s held power for so long right?  The Pope is afraid to side with The Donald. Because he knows he could have a leg or an arm broken, or worse end up swimming with the fishes in the Dead Sea.  However, if Francis or whatever his name is apologizes, I will forgive him and offer him my protection.  I’m talking about better protection than Farrakhan is providing for Beyonce!

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The Bunion: Wow.  Ok.  Well, Jesus did perform miracles.  You do know that right Don?  Have you preformed any miracles?

Trump: You mean that turning water into wine thing?  That was a bootlegging operation.  I told you that Jew was connected.  But I’m not judging.  I love the Jews.  The Jews have been very good to me! 

The Bunion: But Mr. Trump, the disciples never mentioned a word about Mafia connections.  The books in the bible, specifically the gospels in the New Testament all maintain that miracles happened. Not just the ‘water into wine’, I’m talking about healing the sicks and casting out demons.  Are you disputing all of that?

Trump: I’m glad you asked that question!  Let’s talk about the ‘disciples.’  They were thugs and criminals.  You do recall when that Peter guy chopped off the ear of one of Jesus’ detractors.  Sounds like criminal behavior to me!  These guys were a rag tag group who terrorized everywhere they went.  If you read ‘One Two, or Three Hezekiah, you would know that.  But that’s OK.  I’m here to teach you.  The government was able to turn a states witness against him… Judas.  But he was also mysteriously murdered before he could testify!  Still, I think they all turned on Jesus because last I saw, they weren’t around when he was crucified.  Now listen, how can you be a winner if you are hanging from a tree with nails in your hands and feet?  People get excited about Jesus being crucified for their sins.   I don’t know about the rest of America, but I admire messiahs who don’t crucified!  Elect me for president.  I’m telling you right now I will not be crucified.  Crucifixion is for losers!  I am a winner!  

The Bunion:  Are you sure you want this on the record Mr. Trump?  There are many Christians out there who may take offense to what you are saying here.

Trump:  I’m only telling you what I know to be true.  Not to speak ill of the dead.  But if Jesus is alive, then surely Fox News, CNN or your magazine can get an interview or a recent photo.  I don’t mean a painting.  I mean Jesus standing next to a Toyota on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles.  He probably would drive a Toyota right?  Whatever. He’s dead that’s my point.  I’m alive and I’ll never die.  Dying is for losers.  I am a winner.  My disciples are loyal!  Vote for me, Donald J Trump and America is going to be winning so much, The Pope will gladly beg to offer his robe and his sceptor just to have a meeting with me in the Oval Office.  

Editors Notes:

****Since this interview, a new poll shows that support among Christians for Trump has risen 18%.

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Next Week: We are interviewing Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas.  Carson will discuss his blackness and Thomas will discuss…

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