Category Archives: Facing Faults and Fears

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Things of Faith, Man and the Search for Universal Truth

My faith journey has come a long way.

From a theological perspective, I was raised in the Judaea Christian traditions within various denominations. Through the years I have been taught by the church, inspired, motivated, fooled, disillusioned, angry, resentful, ashamed of, and even restored.

Regardless of my personal experiences with dogma and the organization of religion my faith in the Supreme has never diminished. My belief system is simple and complicated, spiritual and natural, scientific and unexplained.

I could never subscribe to the atheist belief that there is no Supreme Being. To me atheistic thinking dismisses a serious explanation for the origin for life. In other words, I haven’t seen evidence of any life form without their first being life to reproduce itself after its kind. Even if creationism from a religious perspective is not a viable option, just a look at the sun, moon and the stars, all of the living creatures, the way the cycles of the earth rotates, lives, nurtures, replenishes and sustain itself with its inhabitants; I find it illogical that all of that which we behold and witness is without thought, planning and design. In this way I don’t judge the concept of atheism. What I can say is that I don’t get it.

galaxy-1

As much as I like Bill Mahr and admire his political satire, I think he sounds like a fool when he arrogantly dismisses any possibility of a higher power. His brain is so creative, that he can actually talk himself out of acknowledging his own lack of having anything to do with it. He depends on air he breathes to live, and yet it does not keep him alive. Think about it. Oxygen is all around those dying every day. At some point everyone will take in their last breath. And all the oxygen on the earth can’t give you another breath once that last one has been exhaled. With all the riches, wealth and resources in the world one cannot give him more life. Nor does anyone have the power to ask and receive it initially at the beginning of a natural life.

A study of the massive sophistication and depth of DNA alone should prompt one to believe that this world, this universe, even our humanity was intentional. This is why I believe the atheist argument comes up horribly short. There is just too much genius around us that we had nothing to do with to call it all random.

What Mahr and I share along with others who believe as he does however, is the disdain for those seeking to validate and promote ‘God’ only as they see Him in such a fashion that it boxes his breadth and scope down to moral, theological and geo-political bents. I too scoff at the limitations and lack of critical thinking skills people subject themselves to in order to follow a bunch of laws and standards written by mortal, flawed, and often agenda driven men. I can resonate with his frustration of people who refuse to observe and work through critical issues with a reality based point of view as opposed to choosing to hide head-in-sand and quote scripture so as to eliminate the need of such deeper or even more simplistic considerations.

I get it. But that doesn’t answer the questions of life, the potential and capabilities of the human mind and body, the spirit world, and the universe. The fact that in the wild a lion and a deer will drink from the same water brook and if the lion is not hungry, not only will he not so much as bother the deer, but that the deer instinctively knows it. Man, in all of his ingenuity, intellect, skill and passion have only learned and understood so much of it. He certainly hasn’t been able to define it.

My basic understanding of myself, my surroundings, my instincts, makes me curious, and awestruck on the subject of the Supreme Being. Though I have identified my beliefs through Christian lenses most of my life, I have studied various religions and beliefs among men. Lessons from Christianity as well as other faiths have helped me greatly. Still I’ve rejected many pieces of doctrines. Through it all here I stand; still seeking, still desiring, and still stretching to find the source of my own significance.

black-jesus

As of now I don’t really claim any specific religion. Though if you pushed me, I would still lean towards a very loose and selective portion of Christianity. Not for any special reason. This is simply the environment I was brought up in and therefore most familiar with. It’s second nature. I love gospel music and can often find myself blissfully swept away in its messages of worship, submission and hope. One of my mentors the late Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth was a Christian man who lived the most dedicated and faithful life I have ever seen in a human. Yet I admire and respect the life of Malcolm X especially after he split from The Nation of Islam and went in a direction that he believed was more beneficial to his perspective of the way he saw his Creator. Am I to say that Shuttlesworth knew God because he called him Jesus or that Malcolm’s aligning himself with Allah did not? There is hardly no religious sect that does not have within it members who believe and have evidence that their prayers have been answered. There are unexplained ‘miracles’ happening everyday regardless of faith type. Thing begs to question, “Does the Supreme have an exclusive name?” Only religious people think so. Or is He so awesome and self-assured that He is not hung up on and limited by that kind of thing? – Man actually giving Him a name that will sum Him up. Even as I write this I only say ‘Him’ as a reference point. I don’t know that The Supreme has a gender.

This proves that the biggest hindrance to understanding The Supreme is defining the revelation of His presence and purpose solely through a religious bent.

I have learned to settle in and take what I believe one step at a time; one lesson at a time; one experience at a time. And with those I focus on that which I am comfortable with. Which are a basic set of principles that I live by. (At least try to live by most of the time.)

Faith

Faith is first just an acknowledgment and recognition of a centralized presence. I don’t believe He/She/It needs to be called Jesus or any other religious or secular name. I believe in this Power that is so brilliant beyond measure, beautiful, and peaceful. The Universe has been created in such a way that it would take perhaps a million lifetimes just to scratch the surface of what is really going on out there. Names are too limited to describe The Ultimate. That is about as far as I am willing to take it as of now.

Do I believe this Universal entity cares about what happens to me personally? Yes. This is because I don’t believe all of this is by chance. If I’m correct then there has to be a purpose. Anyone who is aware of his purpose cares about fulfilling that purpose. With that I am able to give thanks and blessings many times per day to The Supreme for all that I am blessed to behold.  Sometimes, I even submit a few prayer request along the way.

Personal Purpose/Destiny

This is a tough one. Because most people either believe that they have a specific purpose on earth that a higher power has in mind or they don’t. Others believe we make our own decisions no matter what. I fall in the middle of both world views. For example, none of us had anything to do with us being here. That includes when we were born, where we were born, or to what family. We couldn’t decide what color we were going to be, whether male or female, and so forth. There are so many things that were not in our original control.

And yet as the species on earth we call mankind, we have the ability to create, build, reproduce, expand, grow, and it goes on and on. Our decisions shape the direction of not only our lives, but those around us as well as those who come after us. Decisions made by only a few throughout history have led to generational worldwide rewards and consequences.

With this I believe that many, but not every aspect of my life has been fully intentional. I am thankful for my time, my space, and my opportunity to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. I am abundantly grateful for everyday believing that my universe is saying something to me and beckoning me to respond for my own benefit, and the benefit of others. I believe that if enough of us do that, we will experience even greater awakenings, recognition, and access to this Universe.

            Islam7

Morals

Morals are a very subjective from person to person. I believe that morals must come from within, not just what is taught within a society to preserve order; though order is necessary. Some people are comfortable with doing things and living by certain principals that others are not. My morals are a combination of what I have been taught as a youth, as well as what I have grown to understand as an adult. Since I am still growing, segments and pieces of my moral code are still being refined. What has remained consistent is to live by a standard in which my conscious remains clear of guilt and that my life is one of freedom and not bondage. I believe that many of the unhappy, unsatisfied and destructive people on earth are ones whom live against their own conscious. I can’t speak for those whom seem not to have a conscious at all. Still I have to live by my own. I desire that my life continues to project that which is less harmful but more liberating to me as well as my environment.

Who is The Supreme Being/God?

I absolutely don’t know the answer to that. I believe that God is spirit as I am though much greater. I don’t believe God is fixated by what we call he/she/it like most organized religions i.e. Christianity, (Jehovah, Christ) Islam (Allah) and so forth. I believe that mankind has had various reasons for wanting to segregate God into something they are comfortable with. Certainly having a book such as the bible for instance, makes following God or expressing faith more focused. For now I choose experiencing and receiving whatever it is I may learn and absorb whether it be from a religious context or not. My trust is that The Supreme knows how to get a message to me when it’s time. And that I will receive it as long as I stay open. I’m not afraid to fail at this. I embrace all of the possibilities and resources imaginable at this point.

Organized Religion

In spite of my critique, I am not down on organized religion as a whole. I believe that Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Zen, and many others has served millions well over the centuries. Organized religious morality has influenced many peaceful societies as most of them promote treating one another in a loving and civilized way. Most promote growth and spirituality. Most promote submission to a higher authority and less self-seeking. Most emphasize sacrifice and giving towards something much bigger than the individual person who claims its faith.

Most have had their downfalls as well. So many wars, forms of oppression, and crimes against humanity result from religious beliefs and zeal. This is not only true of Christianity and Islam. Human sacrifices for instance took place long before Columbus set foot on the shores of the Americas. Nobody’s hands are clean. There has been and continues to be both good and bad.

            Tian Tan Buddha

Afterlife

Since I don’t believe that our lives are our bodies, I don’t believe that life ceases without the body. I believe our bodies are Earth suits. With them we move about upon the land or the sea. The earth is our bodily home. We live here for a time and season. It is here that we eat, sleep, love, share, learn etc… Perhaps our earthly time is training for something else that has nothing to do with our bodies. I just don’t know. And I don’t know that anyone really does.

I know many people whom I trust said a relative who have died or have been released from their natural bodies visited them in a spiritual form. Perhaps those who are ‘dead’, in body, help watch over us who remain. Perhaps there are differing dimensions that continue in cycles past our earthly lives. I don’t have a clue!

But I’m OK with that right now. For now I want to concern myself with the form of life I am experiencing now. And I will have to let the other work itself out. It’s definitely outside of my pay grade. If I can make this one count for something good, then I trust things will work out in the end… well, if there is one.

In Faith, Me

 

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Sports and Politics Intersect Retro Style

I was only an infant when Tommy Smith and John Carlos threw up the black fist in Mexico City; a young pup when Muhammad Ali refused to participate in the Vietnam War.  There was a time when many African-American sports figures and icons took to the streets and spoke out for social justice.  They were not afraid to lend their voices and their fame to give attention to important issues they cared about.  They were courageous enough to risk their careers if necessary to stand up for what they believed was right.

Unfortunately that was a long time ago.  Rarely do we see black superstar athletes stand up for anything having to do with more than their latest contract negotiations.  The money guys like Ali, Smith and Carlos made pales in comparison to the astronomical millions today’s athletes bank above their predecessors.

Our most successful and marketable black athletes too often stray as far away from civic issues as they can.  I will always remember Michael Jordan’s refusal to support a progressive African-American candidate Harvey Gantt for state senate in his native North Carolina.  Not because he agreed more with the politics of the infamously racist Helms, but because, “Republicans by sneakers too.”  Jordan was the symbol and poster child of the New Crossover Negro who believed it far more important to hawk product and filling his own coffers rather than possibly alienating potential buyers with moral controversy.   Tiger Woods has picked up the baton running that race with ease by denying all things black whether it be per his own heritage and identity as well as the women he chooses to marry and fool around with.  Woods is as vanilla as the ice cream in my freezer and as close to anti-black as one could be with deference to Justice Thomas.

blackpower

Whether it was the Rodney King beating, presidential races, supreme court decisions or 17 year old children with candy and a drink, sadly Jim Brown, Bill Russell and Arthur Ashe are not walking through these doors.

This is what makes the tweeted photo by LeBron James and his Miami Heat teammates in support of justice for Trayvon Martin an eye opener for me.  The Heat players live in South Florida.  Perhaps they feel the intensity of emotions even deeper than the rest of the country.  Perhaps some of the players have had their own issues with being pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black) with even more emphasis because they drive the finest cars money can buy.  I don’t know.  But I respect James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh for being a part of a symbolic show of solidarity to Trayvon’s family as well as every other young black male in the United States.  I respect them especially because they are the faces of their franchise and the league that so many Americas pays attention to.

Former NBA players Etan Thomas and Craig Hodges were no strangers to standing up for unpopular beliefs.  Hodges so much so that he was literally blackballed from the NBA after presenting former President Bush a list of social issues he thought The President should address when the Chicago Bulls visited The White House.  If Jordan makes that move, it carries more weight and no way is the biggest revenue generating player the league had ever seen pushed out the door.

So big ups to LeBron, Wade, Bosh and the rest of the Heat players.  You didn’t have to march like the old school.  But you did use the most powerful and significant tool given your generation which is social media.  And for me, that speaks volumes!

Miami_Heat_for_Trayvon

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Facing Faults and Fears ~ Tick Tick Tick

How does one rectify anger? 

I have known for years that I carry anger around for different reasons.  And at times it has manifest iself in different ways.  For instance, for most of my life I’ve struggled with depression at some times or others.  I’ve heard that depression is in effect ‘repressed anger.’  I can believe that.

Most wouldn’t know about the anger because I am generally a “happy- go- lucky” person.  When I am around friends or collegues at work this is the side they see most often.  My natural make up is to spread joy and offer encouragement.  I love to see a genuine smile on someone’s face.  And I enjoy helping to create that smile whether it’s by some form of serving, saying a kind word or saying something humerous.  I get a lot out of seeing other people happy. 

Often, I find myself giving out a lot without asking much in return.  Perhaps I get angry because I wish that sometimes people understood that I may need a little something something back.  It’s natural for people to think that the “happy guy” is always OK and is never in need of attention or encouragement.  And then sometimes when I do ask, sometimes folks are looking around strangly as if I asked for a first born or something.  This is because they are not used to it. 

“What you?  Need something?”

Then there is the supressed anger that I recognize.  It happens because sometimes I see things or feel as if someone may be trying to take advantage of the kindness I try to offer or the contributions I try to make.  In those cases I get kinda stuck because in one sense I would like to communicate my displeasure.  But in my nature if I do I try to do it in a way that preserves the other person’s dignity.  I try to approach people the way I want to be approached.  I try to avoid being too harsh or just letting them have it.

More times than not however, I find that this approach does not work.  In far too many instances people seem to take kindness for weakness.  And at some point it’s going to come out and I am going to go OFF.  At that point that creates an issue of having to possibly repair the damage done within conflict of the anger expressing moments.  I’m saying to myself, “Why could you not listen when I broke it down gently before?  I said the same thing basically, except this time I added a MF or SH to it which finally got your attention.”

Then I am angry that I even had to go there. 

The thing is this:  Most days I can just move on and think of the positive and not carry this stuff with me.  But at the same time, I find that many of these issues are not really resolved, but rather just tucked away till the next time.  So then there is resentment on top of resentment – anger on top of anger

I know that anger itself is not a totally negative emotion.  I know it has it’s place.  But I am not sure how to use it to my advantage without doing or saying things against my nature.

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Facing Faults and Fears Part 3 ~ The Grudge?

Unforgiveness or Moving On?

There are times when I struggle with the word forgiveness.  Not so much as whether I have the ability to forgive someone in terms of pardoning a sin.  Lord knows we all have them and each of us take our turns needing grace from someone.  What I question is the true definition of forgiveness and whether restoration has to be a part of the process for forgiveness to be legit or complete.   As I get older, I question my old way of thinking and tend to think not.

As an example there was a friend of mine who I have been cool with for almost 20 years.  We’ve shared many stories of joy and pain and have been there for one another throughout both good and difficult times.  Well I going through something last year and I shared it with this person.  My car had some major engine damage and I was scrambling to come up with the several thousand dollars to have it fixed.  I needed the car for transportation for working both my 9-5 as well as my officiating jobs that I already had lined up.

Speaking with him about the situation, he said, “I am so sorry to hear about your car.”  I said that I appreciated it and just to let it be known I am taking donations.  He thought I was joking but I clarified my desperation. 

Mind you… I have NEVER asked this person for a dime.  Neither had I ever asked my mother since I left her home at the age of 14.  But I did this time.  This person asked me what my car payment was (monthly).  I gave the amount and he said they would help me out with one month’s payment.  “Great, !”  I said as I voiced my appreciation. 

He gave me a date and I said Ok.  The date passed and I didn’t hear anything.  I called and didn’t get an answer.  After a week I received a call from this person saying he was out of town and didn’t have a chance to go to the bank but that the money was forthcoming within a day.  I said that was fine.

After another week I called again, not for the money just to see if he were OK.  Still didn’t get an answer.

The next time I called the person answered the phone… perhaps by mistake and I could him him talking to someone else.

I hung up the phone.

Later I sent an email to the person letting him know that I was really hurt.  Not because of the money because anyone has the right to do with their money as they please even if they say they are going to do one thing and later change their mind.  But to not say anything and avoid me?  I thought we were way better than that.  I put it behind me and left it alone.

Well after 8 or 9 months, I get a text from this person saying, “Hey.”  I looked at it, remembered the number (because I had previously deleted it out of my phone) and thought to myself, “Hey what?”  My initial thought was that we didn’t have anything to talk about.  I didn’t see any explanations or apologies for the times I was calling and didn’t get an answer.  I just erased it and kept on stepping. 

Now here are the questions I have to ask myself when I try to identify the forgiveness thing.  

Question: Am I upset at this person?  Am I holding this against him?

Answer:  I honestly don’t believe I am.  I managed to get my car fixed and I have moved on.  I regretted that the friendship couldn’t handle the topic of money and though the subject never came up between us before, the only reason I asked was because I  felt we were ‘cool like that.’  That was a sign of deep humility and respect for me to even think of asking this person because I don’t just ask anybody for anything.

Question:  What is my reluctance from speaking to this person stemming from?

Answer:  I believe it’s stems from the fact that I thought we were cool.  And regardless of money, even if the person were a millionaire, I would not have felt he was obligated to give me anything.  But the fact that he promised something and avoided me as if I were a pesky beggar made me question the entire friendship.  My thinking is, “Where would we pick up from here?  If we ain’t soul after almost 20 years, I can’t see it materializing now.” 

When it comes to my inner circle, I am fiercely loyal.  And when that loyalty is not returned as opposed to rolling over like I did back in the day for the sake of being what I believed was Christian about it, I’ve had a change of heart.  Now when folks cross me a certain way, I just tend to be done with them.   Not cause I’m mad, but because I just don’t have time to pretend that a close friendships is anything but superficial if that is all it really is.  Everyone has superficial people in their lives.  And with these folks we don’t expect much.  But a friend is supposed to be a friend.

I had some beef with another friend of mine for a minute.  And because we were boys for real, we eventually had our say man to man and hashed the stuff out.  I consider him an even better friend now.  We got through a big storm where feelings were hurt on both sides.  We learned that our loyalty was strong even when we didn’t think it was.  I say that to say this is not about X’ing people out of my life just because I feel like it.  As I said I value my inner circle.

So what do you think?  Am I being too cold in this situation?  Am I holding a grudge?  Should I have responded to this person and perhaps he would have apologized?  (From what I know of this person, I don’t think he would have said anything about it.  I think he just wanted to pretend like it was all good though I could be wrong)  This is my dillema.  The old way of thinking for me would be the quickly accept this person back into my good graces.  The older, wiser me (in my opinion) says, F it!  No hard feelings on my part, but like Mint Condition, “We’ve Nothing Left To Say.”

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Facing Faults and Fears Part 2 ~ High Anxiety

I am flat out afraid of heights!  Period!

Now the funny thing is this:

I love riding in airplanes

I would fly in a space shuttle to outer space if they let me and would relish being able to see the earth from orbit

I would probably jump from a plane as long as I am attached to a trained parachute instructor. 

But stand me out on the roof of a house, or on the balcony of a large apartment building?  Oh hell naw!

It seems that if there is something secure like a glass wall between me and the fall, then I am cool with it.  But if it’s me bare with the space between where I stand and the several hundred feet down from where I don’t want to be in 3.5 seconds I clam up and get a serious anxiety attack.

I work at a company that has several buildings that are all attached through indoor walkways.  The fitness center is on the 6th floor.  In order to get to it from my building, you have to walk from building D to building A where there is this walkway that overlooks the second floor.  Every time I walk to and from the fitness center I briefly peek over to the ground.  EEEEK!

For whatever reason the reality of how close the railing is to a major gravity experience always comes to my mind instead of what a wonderful view it can be.  I don’t even allow my kids to walk close to a 2nd floor railing at mall!  We all walk towards the merchant sides of the building.

Is this a condition that will haunt me forever?  Where did it come from?  Have I seen too many movies of people falling off things?  I just don’t know.

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Facing Faults and Fears Part 1

Is there a doctor in the house?

Ok,

So here is the deal.  I am doing some self examining and decided to bring some of my blogging buddies along for the ride.  People like to talk about their virtues but not often their vices.  As humans, normally we tend to gravitate towards the things we like about ourselves.  Most of the times people say they want to maximize their strengths and learn to manage weaknesses.  What that means in many cases is that we try not to think about our weaknesses, ignore our weaknesses, hope the weakness, the fault or the fear goes away.

Well I want to try to confront some of mine.  And if anyone would like to make suggestions as to how to get past them or to improve my standing or outlook towards them, then this will be worth it.  Sometimes getting a fresh perspective can be a good thing.  One never knows…  

Some of my faults may seem humorous as I list them over the next several days.  I try not to take myself too seriously.  However, this is a serious thing for me so please be respectful even if you add a brand of humor.  You get to be the doctor.  Thanks. 

 

Part 1: Carelessness

I live my life by an electronic calendar.  (an Excel one to be exact)  Without it I am lost.  I schedule everything from when to pay bills, to game assignments, along with anything else I am not supposed to forget throughout the month.  I know better than to rely on my memory for anything.  I just have too many things on the plate to think that I will be able to retain it all.  It seems that the calendar really helps me a lot.  With it I feel organized and on top of my game.  But it’s one thing that my calendar cannot help me with.  Carelessness.

Let me tell you, I lose and forget where I put things like nobodies business.  Sometimes I think that I am clever and put things up somewhere in an unusual place because that way I figure that I will know where to find it.  But no.  It seems that at those times I forget the unusual place where I put the thing and thereby hide it from myself.  Sometimes I put things somewhere and don’t remember putting them there at all even after I’ve found them in that particular place.

Its gotten to the point now that sometimes when I do it, I just chalk it up in frustration because it seemed as if my mind just failed me.  Recently I visited my mother on the West Coast and she let me hold some photos of her on a cruise she took.  Because I didn’t want to bend them, I packed them between the screen and keyboard of my laptop.  Every time I would open my computer I would take the photos out and and afterwards put them back in.  My goal was to make copies and get them back to her. 

Well one morning I thought to myself, “Hmm, I was just at the coffee shop last week and I don’t remember putting the photos back in the computer.  Could I have left them at the coffee shop?”  I looked in the back seat of the car first and didnt’ see them among the other junk I had thrown back there.  Then I calmly drove to the coffee house that morning and asked the attendant if someone had turned in photos.  The woman said she worked every day since the Friday I had visited and that no one had turned anything in.  I asked if she was sure or if she could ask someone else.  She assured me that they had no photos, and that perhaps someone had thrown them away. 

Oh man!  How in the heck am I gonna tell my momma I lost her pictures?  She trusted me with these along with some videos and music I took back to St. Louis, and certainly the pictures could never be replaced.    I looked in the car again.  Nothing.  I went on my way disappointed again that I could not make a correlation in my brain for the last time I had seen the pictures.  I decided to wait to tell my mom.  No rush in disappointing her right?  She would forgive me, but I would still feel like an immature little kid who had to have his gloves pinned to the bottom of his coat sleeve so I can come back home with two of them instead of one.

I also lost my daughter’s report card.  I was the only parent who could make parent teacher day this time.  And I promised her mother that I would make her a copy and get it to her.  Ha!  Couldn’t find that either though it was in my carry around bag that has all of my important things in it.  Well no big deal, I can have the school print another one right?

A few days later, I’m looking to get some things out of my back seat.  I have a small satchel that carry my referee shoes, whistle and 5 Hour Energy shots.  I grabbed the bag and BAM… there they were – my mother’s cruise pictures.  Now I know darn well I looked that back seat over really well… or did I?  You see that’s my point!  Later on I eventually found the report card back there too.  The thing is, I can’t remember putting either of them in the back seat.  I do understand my logic however.  I put the pictures in the back seat because I didn’t want to take the chance on losing them in the coffee shop.  I just couldn’t remember doing it.  My bag turned upside down in the back seat after I threw it there so I can put the groceries I bought in the car.  I do remember that happening and that is when the report card must have fallen out.  So I got lucky.  Either that or God put those pictures back for me and saved me from humiliation.

What gets me the most is that I am ALWAYS cognisant of putting things in their proper places so that I don’t lose things.  And yet I still manage to do it.

Any suggestions?  This is a real sore area for me!