How Come You Don’t F*&! Me Anymore?

No that is NOT the new Prince jam.

I ran across this article the other day while surfing the net.  The heading of the link said, “What we don’t tell our husbands.”  I’m a married man so why wouldn’t I be interested?  That’s not an indictment on my wife’s level of honesty, but more about covering my bases.  I perused the various links within the story covering different marital topics from a woman’s point of view.  Catching my eye was a link titled “Mom Confessions.”  Ahhhhh!  My wifes a mother too so I may get a double dose of knowledge that us men generally never hear about.  Everybody knows that women can be like closet racist.  They reveal some things to their husbands, (the other race) while revealing others to those of their own species. (other women) It’s called ‘girl talk.’  I’m thinking since these moms are anonymous in this survey I may learn something.  Several links within the columns caught my eye.  For this post I’ll focus on one in particular; Top Ten Secret Mom Confessions”

Confession #5 Says, She’ll take sleep over sex.  *It goes on to say:

 Nap or nookie? Once the kids are asleep, almost 53% of moms would take a good night of sleep over mind-blowing sex any day. Being tired is an almost universal complaint among the moms we surveyed…

I ran this past my wife as she sat on the couch watching one of her favorite ‘shoot’em up killem’ can’t find’em’ mystery whodunit shows.  She agreed that most women including many of her married friends feel the same way.  I was surprised to say the least.  I spoke out.  “Are women less tired when they are single and having sex?  Why are mind-blowing sex and a good nights sleep mutually exclusive anyway?”  She stuck to her guns. “The average married woman enjoys sex, but only prefers it every so often unlike a man who prefers it a helluva lot more,” she said.  “And if he’s really good to her, she may even suck it up and give him a little more than what she would otherwise care to have.” 

Needless to say this was mind-blowing to me.  I know I’m a guy, right.  But still.  Most married couples I know started off having plenty of sex before marriage.  They also have plenty initially after the wedding.  But then something changes.  The message seems to be that after kids and life kick in, women lose a certain interest in sex.  I’m generalizing but not much.  I also noted that in today’s society there are many unmarried mothers who are divorced for intance, working, have custody of their children and still manage to carry on a vibrant sex life without the full time help of a man.  In spite of all of these challenges, she manages to get it in.  So fatigue seems like a cop-out.

The Mrs. agreed on these facts but I could tell by the look on her face she felt as if I just didn’t ‘get it.’  “And why does she have to suck it up if she enjoys it in the first place?, I asked.

We went back and forth before she pointed out that she was sure that most married or committed couples who live together with children are not having as much sex as I may think.  I wasn’t ready to conscede, but even if that were the case I still wondered why!

So I asked a friend of mine (a married male) some questions:

a) How many times do you and your wife have sex during any given week/month?

b) How does it differ from when you were dating?

c) Are you as a man satisfied with the amount of sex you have with your wife now?

This friend told me that he and his wife had frequent hot n’ wild sex the first few years of their relationship including marriage.  Now, it’s down to an average of maybe 3-4 times per month.  (they have 2 children) Strangely enough he expressed that he was just as satisfied with this amount as she was.  “Sex makes me too tired,” he said.  Knowing this brother for many years I remember a time when he would confess that he was definitely not satisfied with the amount of lovin’ he was getting from his wife.  But now his desires are on par with hers.  I told him that she must have worn him down to her lower standard.  It’s not merely a question of being being ‘tired.’ 

To prove my point, I said, “You may think you’re satisfied with that little bit you get at home, but what about the finest woman you know at work?  Would you be tempted to hit that if you could with no consequences even if you were tired?”  He acknowledged the temptation.  So I asked, “Then what in the hell is the problem?”  His answer?  He compared it to his favorite dessert.  He said that if he had his favorite dessert in the fridge at his disposal all the time he wouldn’t find it as appealing.  “Ahh!  So it’s a matter of availability?,” I inquired.  Since his wife is available all the time, she’s like his favorite dessert unlimited.  He can just take it for granted as if it’s there today so it will be there tomorrow…. and the next day, and hell the next week, month or year for that matter. 

I found that quite unacceptable. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that life happens.  I understand that kids and responsibilities happen.  I understand there isn’t necessarily as much time to be romantic when there are little people running around the house.  What I don’t understand is why is sex such an important part of a relationship while in its building stages but not a part of an abiding program?  If a couple is doing it 5-7 days a week before children, why not at least 3-4 afterwards?   The frequency of indulging in certain pleasures may fall away as couples take on more responsibility.  But why does sex fall so significantly on the priority list? 

History shows that most couples, who endure a marriage or long term relationship that doesn’t last, end up starting a new relationship where sex again is a priority.  Men have reputations for having affairs, but nowadays more women are stepping out than ever before.  Within these affairs they are definitely having frequent sex with ‘the other guy.’  That doesn’t make sense if the original excuse for not having sex in the first place is fatigue.  It takes much more work to carry on and sustain a secret affair than to simply handle one’s sexual needs at home.

So what’s the deal?

Now let’s be clear.  I know there are differing challenges to each relationship though not all are uncommon.  For example; Some men are not interested in pleasing their women but rather only interested in their own pleasure.  And there are times when life just happens and sex is not the focal point for a period of time.  For the purposes of this expose’ I’m assuming that the marriage is good and that the man is not selfish but is also aware and proactive in meeting his woman’s sexual fantasies.

Speaking to another friend of mine, a woman who does some marriage counseling as a profession, she said, “Sex is 5% of a good marriage.  But its’ 95% of the problem if the two parties don’t agree.”  I saw her point but I thought she hedged the numbers a bit.  I would say sex is 8-10% of a good marriage depending on the couple.  But again I know, I’m a guy who happens to not be an expert on human sexual behavior.  She also said that single women tend to have sex to relieve other stresses in their lives.  “A woman who is happy and secure in her relationship may not need to have as much sex as her male partner,” she added.  That may be true, but I sense what seems to be a type of love/hate relationship with women and sex.  (That is another blog for another time.  I’m focusing on the love part for now.)  With that I still believe that there is a disconnect somewhere.

All theories seem to come back to the original point in the article;  Men want sex a lot, but women even in happy marriages don’t prefer much at all.  Is this really true mostly across the board?  If so why?  Or is this off base?  I would like to know what you all think.

How can you do this?

Well there are a couple ways.  First off you can just comment in the ‘comments’ section of this blog.  For those reading on Facebook you are also free to comment there.  If you prefer more privacy, you can comment on the blog anonymously, and I can repost responses to Facebook as anynomous.  I realize that some may feel comfortable with speaking freely while others may not.  I don’t want a anyone’s identity to interfere with total honesty.  Here are some of the questions I am looking to have answered:

1) Are you male or female

2) Married or Single

3) How important is sex in your life vs. your partner’s/past or present

4) Are you/were you satisfied with the state of sex within your relationship?  If not, why not?

5) Have you become sexually lazy or apathetic? (Be Honest)

I realize this won’t be the most scientific study of all time.  I’m just curious about how many people see what I call a dilemma.

I think the hottest steamiest and most vibrant sexual experiences should not belong to the promiscuous, the sneaky and the uncommitted; as if great persistent sex is only for the naughty.  I think it should be the opposite.  People who commit to sharing lives together should be knocking the hell outta the boots!  Period point blank!  Sure it may take imagination, a little more work, but that’s because it’s not cheap and passing.  All great things take work to maintain greatness.  Casual sex may be pleasurable, but the mentality to engage in it is different.  Committed sex is based in a security that the couple’s lives and principles are based in things that are far more important.  And that makes it even better.  Is anybody with me? 

I’m promoting a sexual revolution for the married/committed!

The Man Bible 3 – Live With An Open Heart, Even If It Hurts

Live With An Open Heart Even If It Hurts

 

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man’s true nature.  A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt.  If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one.  He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place. – David Deida

 

Oh boy!  This is a head banger for me!  WHAT?  Are you kidding?  Closing down in the midst of pain is my specialty.  And why shouldn’t it be?  Who wants to continue to punish themselves by subjecting themselves to further pain whether it is by way of cruelty or rejection from friends, a lover or whomever? 

 

I read this one and had to pause.  When I am confronted with these words, pain and bad taped memories rush to my mind and consciousness.  It would seem the logical thing to do, the smart and intelligent thing to do, the way that leads to survival is to step away from the pain as quickly and as completely as possible.  If you burn your hand on the stove do we leave it there for more?  I have gotten by some 40 years by doing this – though I have been known to stand and face some hard confrontations.

 

I can think of times when one of my daughters seemed to act as if she wanted nothing to do with me in spite of my coming to her time and time again.  I would explain possible misunderstandings to her and clear the air though I knew she was often stubborn or the recipient of bad information. After a while I would say to myself, “How many times must I come to you?  You are old enough to take a step yourself.  I am tired of putting myself out there to be rejected!”  Sometimes those close to me would say that I should keep extending the open arms regardless.  They say she will come back around and see that you were down with her all the time.  Hmmm.

 

My spirit man understands fully the need to remain open and to love unconditionally through my pain.  It recognizes that this is essential to true and authentic love being displayed.  It resonates with the fact that often it takes this kind of love to break the walls of pain in the heart of others in order to heal, cleanse, and initiate the process of reconciliation.  It understands fully well that this is totally necessary.  And yet in my present state I have not attained.  Sure there have been times where I have stepped to the plate to take some more swings during the process of spiritual and emotional battles.  These are occasions when I seek that small glimmer of hope that the reaction to my attempts will be welcomed and accepted. But for the most part, I run like hell from pain.  The funny part is that rarely does it ever work.  If anything I can temporarily suppress it with self mediated methods.  But that only last for so long. 

 

I know that I need to grow in this area.  And I believe I will.  I have to learn to turn pain in to my friend and see it as a challenge that calls for my best to overcome.  My mind gets it.  My heart understands it.  For this to become who I am however will only come by experience.  And in the midst of the heat it’s hard to see the other side. Brothers and sisters I readily admit – I am not there yet.  But I want to be. I will strive to be.  Lord help me.

The Man Bible 2:Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

Stop Hoping for a Completion of Anything in Life

 

Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done.  They think, “If I can work enough, then one day I could rest.” Or, “One day my woman will understand something and then she will stop complaining.” Or, “I’m only doing this now so that one day I can do what I really want with my life.”  The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way.  They won’t.  It never ends.  As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift.  – David Deida

 

A scripture came to mind to me when I read this for the first time. 

 

Genesis 8:22 For as long as Earth lasts,  planting and harvest, cold and heat,  Summer and winter, day and night will never stop.”

 

This to me refers to the cycles of life.  Though each day has its own special gifts and opportunities to present, there are some basic fundamentals that will never change.  Planting and harvest talks about labor or putting in work, as well as receiving rewards for that work.  Cold and heat are about the ups and downs we experience during this journey.  Regardless of how well we lead our lives, none of us are exempt from difficulties, challenges, hurtful experiences and losses.  If we hang in there we will also have our experiences of unspeakable joy as well.

 

As a man, I find that I enjoy doing and completing task.  Completing task solves problems.  And yet I find that I can complete a task and think I have graduated that particular lesson – sometimes only to battle the same things over again.  Something or someone is always in some sort of need – as am I.  I have often though that once I get a particular lesson everything will be ok.  Once I understand and walk in a principle things will change.  But as the writer says, they do not.  The only thing that can change is me.  I can get better, develop more understanding and attain strategies to operate more smoothly through adversity. 

 

The issue is not solving all the problems in my life. (Though I am a problem solver by nature)   The issue is to learn from the lessons and grow into a person who transcends my challenges, embracing the flow of yin and yang – understanding that some basic lessons are taught over again in varying degrees.  I suppose this is what it means in understanding that life is not about the destinations but the journey.  If I journey well, I will reach certain destinations.  But like one of those video games the levels just keep coming and with the new levels come new degrees of difficulties.  The further I go, the more “points” I can gain as my skill level increases.  I become qualified for more challenges, but the game will never end.

 

In terms of dealing with the woman who complains or doesn’t seem to ever understand me, Deida says it best:

 

The feminine always seems chaotic and complicated from the perspective of the masculine.  The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer __________ (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way.  (whatever you filled in the blank with) Embrace her or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off.  Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you.  You can’t escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find the humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much.  The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.

 

Can the church say Amen?

 

By the way, I decided to roll with this topic every weekday till it’s done.  If I decide to write about something else as well – I will.  But for me this is what is hot.  So I will ride it out. 

 

Tomorrow, “Live With An Open Heart, Even If It Hurts.” 

 

 

The Man Bible: A Series from BB&G

Folks, it has finally happened.  I read a lot of books.  Some of them are very good.  Practically, I used to buy them all and then I got hip to this little known gem called the library where I can read them for free.  J  Some books aren’t available at the library.  However, some that are are so good that even after I’ve read them, I still had to purchase it to preserve my own copy.  The book I am about to introduce is such a book.  As a matter of fact, this book (though I have not completed it yet) is so significant that I plan to always have it close to my person to remind me of its many principles.  Some of them I have read repeatedly and yet it seems as if I get something fresh each time. 

 

MEMO TO MEN: If you are 100% the total man not lacking in any areas of understanding, disregard the rest of this post.  Otherwise if you are like me working towards attaining total manhood get this book in your hands. 

 

The book is called, “The Way of the Superior Man,” A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire.  Written by, David Deida, it has spoken more to my core than any piece of literature I have come across.  It speaks towards my life and purpose as it relates to a level of manhood I truly desire for myself.  I have already recommended it to a good friend, and will give it out as gifts to other men.  I cannot say I subscribe to every single principle in the book, (Everything will not apply to everyone.) I see the totality of the work as significant and vital to being the man I would admire and respect the most.  It’s so challenging that some of it I just laughed at knowing it was right but that I was far from it. This work is a life changer.  Once read all the rules change. I am hooked.

 

Book Cover

 

I am not sure how often I will do this- perhaps once a week I will share a challenge in the book and when applicable relate an example to my own life.  If you are a man or a woman, feel free to comment on some of these principles.  Tell us if you agree or not.  When it speaks of things related to the interactions of women and men, a woman’s point of view is definitely welcome.  More and more I am finding that women are hard to understand.  Sometimes it seems impossible.  But indeed it’s very possible to learn to manage a level of resonating and acceptance based on her gifts and ways of thinking.  My whole educational process on the matter is being totally revamped.  And I can see where I have been banging my head to no end. 

 

Let’s start to review some principles tomorrow.  After that I will decide how often and what days we can discuss the principles.  In the meantime, as I said earlier I suggest picking up a copy whether through the library or your local bookstore.  I warn you though – be ready to re-think some things.  And regardless of how much you buy into personally, the wisdom in this book will not allow you to remain the same.  Here’s to growth!