Category Archives: The Comic Relief Department

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The Pioneering of another Jefferson

Before there was Idol, Hoarders, Snookie, and the Real House Porn Stars of Insert City; when people actually sat down and wrote content for entertainment, there was a ground breaking show called, “All In The Family.” In addition to the comedy, that show dealt with many of the issues America was dealing with at the time such as class, race, liberalism vs. conservatism, abortion, and so on. That content and quality of the show holds up today, though one would never see such a production today nor it’s fierce unapologetic critique of our ignorance unless Seth MacFarland sets it in animation.

Sherman Hemsley’s George Jefferson character on All In The Family and his verbal analytical challenges to Archie Bunker’s view of White Americanism was so impressive to the producers that they added a spin off show around George called, "The Jeffersons."

jefferson

George represented something that was never seen on TV at the time. Unlike the pervasive and all too common ghettoized back drop of Good Times, George was a business owner (Jefferson Cleaners) and lived in a high rise apartment in Manhattan. Not only was George not anybody’s servant, hell he even had a maid. And the genius of having Marla Gibb’s Florence Johnston’s maid character was that she actually had the boldness and freedom to say the things that so many maids wish they could say to their white bosses.

And boy did we laugh because although George was rich, with that also came a type of detachment he had to certain realities that most regular American people were dealing with. George was just as prejudice against his neighbors interracial marriage as Archie Bunker would have been, giving them something in common.

That show lasted for 11 seasons. And best believe without George Jefferson there is no Dr. Huckstable.

Thanks for your contributions Mr. Hemsley. R.I.P

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Cardinals, Hot Wings & Super Hooters

You have to know my great nice Trinity to love her.  An outgoing gregarious and supercharged 7 year old child with an opinion about everything, she has the personality of a gossip TV host.

Last night during the World Series my sister (her grandmother) took her to Hooters for hot wings.  The atmosphere was electric with excited beer filled fans anticipating a championship via 15 flat screen HD televisions.

The Cardinals were on their way to winning an 11th championship.  The entire town has been in an uproar for about a month now.  But when Trin (as we affectionately call her) walked through the hallowed doors of the famous sports bar/restaurant, none of that mattered.

What totally fixated Trin and changed the entire game for her was…………………… wait for it….. the Hooter girl scantly clad uniforms.

The conversation went like this….

Trin – Grandma, what do they have on?

Grandma – That’s their uniforms Trin.

Trin – Well, what, are they Super Women?

Grandma – No, that’s just their uniform.

Trin thinks for a few more seconds while looking at the ‘uniforms’, then offers one more question.

Trin – Well what do the BOYS wear?

I can’t imagine this experience traumatize the young child.  But I do wonder however if she now has dreams of being a Super Woman when she becomes of age.

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Fantasy Football, Degenerates & In-Laws

Like most red blooded Americans I am looking forward to football season.  A baseball buff growing up, I had no particular love for football.  My first memories of the sport were my dad’s friends coming over to our apartment on Sundays to watch the St. Louis Cardinals football team.  They would shout at the TV and as I watched these gladiators of the grid smash and grab one another.  I had no idea what the point or the strategy was.   I also recall my dad and his friends were particularly thrilled the day Jayne Kennedy appeared on The NFL Today show as a host with Irv Cross , Brent Musburger and Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder.  That was a really big deal.  I wonder why…

  Jayne Kennedy

Anyway, I got into football when my grandmother gave me a Pittsburgh Steelers schedule prior to the 1980 season.  The Steelers had won their fourth Super Bowl.  While visiting grandma as I did every summer in New Kensington, PA, (18 miles south of Pittsburgh) some friends took us to Latrobe to the Steelers training camp.  There I met Terry Bradshaw, Rocky Bleier, Franco Harris, Lynn Swann, Mean Joe Green, John Stallworth, Jack Lambert, and so on.  While I didn’t enjoy or understand the sport, I knew the names and these guys were bigger than life to me.  I took the schedule home and watched the NFL games every week just so I could mark a ‘W’ or an ‘L’ next to the opponents after they played each.  This is when I learned how the game was played and what the rules were.

From then on it was all things Pittsburgh for me; though I did enjoy other teams.  I started watching college football and fell head over heels for Dan Marino when he was at Pitt… which made me a Dolphin fan though I couldn’t pull for them against my beloved Black and Gold.  (I don’t know who told Wiz Khalifa that it was black and yellow.  But I digress)

I’ve been satisfied with my outlook on football for the last 31 years.  The Steelers are still my squad.  And I’ve enjoyed a few more Super Bowl victories since 1980.  Everything is simplified.  Teams win, teams lose.  It’s close or a blow out.  I don’t gamble so I never cared about the point spread.

 #88 Lynn Swann

Then something crazy happened.  Something entered the fray called, “Fantasy Football.”   It started kinda slowly but I noticed it pick up year after year.  It seemed to be as big as the NCAA basketball brackets for March Madness.  I thought it was silly because it lasted more than a month.  Guys were having drafts, trading players, mixing and matching players and that didn’t make sense either.  How in the hell can Peyton Manning possibly be on the same team with Terrell Owens?  They don’t even play for the same team in real life!

I always avoided worrying about the logistics of it.  I wasn’t going to participate in that foolishness anyway.  Still this thing began to spread like a virus.  I’ve got a friend who I’ve talked football with for over 20 years.  We may only see each other maybe once a year.  But during the football season, we are sure to talk at least once a week.  We talk about the games, the players, what the Cowboys are going to do etc.  Sadly, last year I lost this dear friend of mine due to a tragedy.  Was it a car accident?  No.  Was he the victim of a henious crime?  No.  This friend of mine was infected by the fantasy bug.  We were talking about the games and I said, “Man, how about that Roethlisberger?  Didn’t he bring Pittsburgh back with his scrambles and ability to make something out of nothing?”  My boy said, “Man that dude pissed me off.  They ran the ball to run the clock out when I needed him to make 15 more passing yards for my fantasy team!”  I said, “But they won!”  Then he said, “But I lost.”  That was a wrap for me.  I can’t talk to this dude any more about football because all he wants to talk about is how his fantasy guys did from week to week.

I decided after that conversation once and for all, that fantasy honks are degenerates who take the fun out of the game.  They spend way too much time analyzing stats as opposed to the team concept of winning and losing.  They now have segments on ESPN where they talk weekly about who will be a good fantasy pick.  I immediately turn to another station during this period. 

I’ve also heard NFL players griping or bragging about their fantasy draft status.  This seems even more idiotic!  And why aren’t there any defensive players on fantasy list?  Don’t tackles, interceptions and quarterback sacks mean anything?  I guess not.  That would make too much sense!

 Let me be clear.  I hate fantasy football. 

Unfortunately, this year my brother-in-law Pete, all the way in Charlotte, NC begged me to get into his yearly pool this year.  “Cmac, its fun and it’s free!  Everything is automated so you don’t have to pick anybody it’s done for you.  Come on man.  It’s a family tradition.  We talk trash and have fun with it!”  I tried telling him I wasn’t interested.  I tried dodging his phone calls and emails.  I told my wife to tell him we were divorced so he wouldn’t think I lived with her anymore.  None of it worked.  He talked me into it.  Kicking and screaming  I signed up for, “Pete’s League of Disaster,” along with several other degenerates via Yahoo.  I hate it already.   I mean, surely I’m not going to get all Steelers players.  Am I supposed to root for Joe Flacco if he ends up on my fantasty team?  He plays for the Baltimore Ravens.   I HATE the Ravens.  They are a division rival.  (Though we win most of the time so it’s not really a rivaly.)  But again… I digress.

So I’m in.  Pete got me with the family peer pressure thing.  

Still I vow to care only about what the Steelers do this season and NOT get caught up in the stats of other players.  They will NOT reform me!  Right?

As for Pete, I hope he get’s stuck with Jimmy Clauson or Cam Newton as his QB!

Pete… You suck!

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Catching Up With Charlie Bubba

**Parental Discretion Advised

Been a long time since I caught up with my old friend from the neighborhood.  For those not familiar, Charlie Bubba is an old timer from East St. Louis who was a friend of my father’s.   A street philosopher if you will, Bubba has a funny way of seeing politics, religion, and just life in general.  Normally I catch up to him say once a quarter.  But with my schedule it’s been quite a while since I’ve had the chance to get his opinions on the comings and goings of America and the world.

I saw Charlie at Lincoln Park over the weekend.  As usual he had his potions with him.   And I brought a little something myself.  He was glad to see me; and I him.  So after exchanging pleasantries, and toasting a sad goodbye to the two young children shot to death by their mother a few days ago, I pulled out my recorder to get the latest. 

Me:  CB.  What have you been vibing on lately?  What you wanna talk about?   Jobs, POTUS… 

CB: The president?  You mean Beohner’s Bitch?  Ha!  That’s what I call’em.  I swear I think he must have some compromising photos of Bama or something. Cause he is one compromising negro!  I mean got’damn.  He’s the POTUS!  How you gone let a mufucka tell YOU when to announce a fucking jobs bill?  Security?  Shit.  He’s the fuckin president.  You got secret service under the bed when he’s doing Michelle.  You control security.  You spose to be running the motherfucker!  You don’t let congress tell you what the fuck to do.  Now he put his self up against the NF fuckin L.  On opening fuckin night!  Dumb!  You think imma be lookin at his ass?  Imma tell you what I’m gonna do.  Imma be lit up at the spot with some Henney in one hand, and some ribs in another, seeing what kinda JOB the Packers gone do against Breese nem’.  Shit.  I’ll catch up in the morning.  He’s putting himself last so imma put him last. 

Me: I heard they may move the speech up a bit time wise.  But speaking of Michelle.  Do you think she speaks her mind or shares her opinion on these things?  What do you think she thinks?

 CB:  Imma tell you what she thinking.  She’s thinking do she want to keep the drapes she’s got in Chicago when she moves back in 2012.  She’s thinking about what school she wants to send her daughters to.  That’s what she’s thinking.

 Me:  So who’s going to challenge?

 CB: Shit I don’t know.  Anybody with a back bone for starters!  In this country nowadays.  It’s who ever talks the most shit no matter how ignorant.  I guess Mitt or that Ken Doll country preacher lookin dude. 

 Me: Rick Perry?

 CB: Yea that mother fucker.  He’s a scary son of a bitch too.  Just on the gay thing a while ago he was like New York can do its own thing.  States rights shit.  Then after the fact, signs the marriage act.  He don’t know whether he wants to be a preacher or a politician.  Hell I guess they both the same right?  And what the fuck he talkin about he would do the fed chairman in Texas?  After he supported him?  He ain’t shit.

 Me: What about Palin?  Is she getting in or not?

 CB: Palin… oh that bitch is fine ain’t she?  I’d tap that Alaskan ass.  (laughs hysterically)  But she ain’t givin it up is she?  She is the ultimate dick tease.  Ridin buses every other month talkin shit.  ‘Imma run… maybe… maybe not.  Imma suck ya dick, no I ain’t.  Imma let you get it…. SIKE!’  Attention whore!  She should thank McCain every day for putting her on the squad.  I’d like to see her and Bachmann in a debate though.  Bet Bachmann would bitch slap her silly ass.

 Me:  But Palin knows bows and arrows.

 CB: Touché mother fucker!  (laughing) The point is that irregardless, they should do a reality TV where all them fuckers are in the house like The Bachelor or something.  You know some Survivor type shit.  Let America vote.

 Me:  (laughing)  I feel you on that.  Then throw Gadhafi  in the mix too!

 CB: Oh hell yea!  Is he the emperor with no clothes or what?  Talkin about, “I’m in charge.  Ya’ll keep on fighting.  I know they ran me out the crib.  Took all my guns, swam in my pool and stole my goat skin silk sheets and shit.  But I will not be denied.”   That dude been in the palace too fucking long.  That’s probably how Castro would act.

 After a few more sips and laughs I asked Charlie Bubba what else had his ear in the news besides the obvious.  He thought for a second and then his eyes brightened. 

 CB: Oh yea!  White chicks gone missing.  I ain’t even going there on how they report when blonde women goes missing vs. Blacks or Mexicans.  Fuck that.  What I wonder is when they show all these news reports about who dunnit, why and all that shit.  They never have a mother fucker on there saying, “Hey stupid bitches – stop meeting mother fuckers on the computer box and leaving the country with them!  Niggas is crazy.  You might get killed! I mean what these gals think gonna happen to them?  In these days and times?  Got-damn where they get their decision makin skills from?  They give the sob stories, but never talk about the dumb ass decisions in the first place.  That’s what they need to be talkin about.  Do a whole special report on it!  Have Soladad or Coop do a special on it.  They can call it, “Dumb bitches meet a man in public a few times, meet his friends, parents and shit then leave for Aruba.”  How about that?

 Me:  That’s kinda hard Bubba.  But I get your point.

Soon after that it was time for me to go.  Charlie Bubba’s getting old and not looking as good these days.  Physically, life has taken its toll.  But his mind is still sharp and his opinions haven’t waned a bit.  I wished him well and told him to stay up.  His last words…

CB: Flyers got that ass spanked in Georgia last week.  (East St. Louis Football Team) (Coach) Sunkett is dumb.  He shakes hands with the other coaches when he wins but walks off the field when he loses.  What he may not realize is that if any school ask the conference for tapes, they get them.  Cause everybody hates him for embarrassing these White schools.  Period.  They got that whip though again though.  Hope the kids be eligible so the state won’t fuck them over again.  Imma check them out tonight.  Playin some school from Kansas.  We’ll see.  If it ain’t one thing it’s another.

ME: Later C-Bubba

CB: C-Mac my dude!

 

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First Debate of The New Year

It’s kinda slow on the trading floor today.  This chick has an extra large box of Apple Jacks on her desk.   As le cereal connoisseur that I are… I went on to talk about how the cinnamon toasty bites were always one of my favorites growing up – but that was back in the day when they were all one color.  ORANGE!

Well the chick said that they have always been multi-colored.  “Not!” I said.  “The jenks was one color not this milti-deal.” 

 She said I didn’t know what I was talking about.  To which I asked, “And how old are you?” 

 “23.” 

“Puuulease what do you know about the history of Kellogg’s, General Mills, Post or anything else for that matter. ”

That is when one of the traders from the back chimed in, “I have eaten at least one bowl of Apple Jacks per week for the last 35 years.  I assure you that they were always two colors.” 

 “Bullshit!” I said, I know my damn cereal and imma look it up!

Sure enough… according to Wikipedia, “Originally, all Apple Jacks cereal pieces were orange and O-shaped, although they have become brighter and more orange colored over the decades. In 1993, O-shaped green pieces were introduced.

SCOREBOARD! 

I told them to never question the cmac on cereal! 

To which the 35 year eating Apple Jacks man said, “Hey you got a series 7?  I need some help!”

This is going to be a great year!

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I’m Just Saying…. Seriously~

…  or musings from being intoxicated during Monday Night Football

* Well with the Dow dropping in record numbers and the Bail Out plan in pieces on the floors of congress, I figure it’s going to take an “Incredible” to fix the economy.  Seriously!

* So I was in the hood the other day.  Picked up a bootleg copy of that new Samuel L. Jackson movie, “Lakeview Terrace.”  Sometimes you really have to watch those bootlegs.  I mean a guy can get ripped off.  I knew something was wrong when I saw Snoop Dogg playing Sam’s role.  Yea the c.o.p was being played by the D. O. Double G.  And then these bootleggers get all imaginative with their movies adding stuff that’s not supposed to be there.  They like to mix movies like a DJ mixes hip hop records.  So my bootleg copy of Lakeview was combined with Tyler Perry’s, Diary of a Mad Black Woman.  Yea.  After Snoop swiped a credit card down Mudear’s ass, I just turned the movie off.  I’m just saying! 

 tylerperrysmadeasfamilyreunion_clip250b.jpg

* Did you get a load of John McCain smirking everytime Barack Obama got off on his ass in the debates the other night?  He had this look as if to say, “Look Sambo, you talk well and all but I am the white man… what do you think is going to happen on November 4th?” I don’t want to start any rumors, but right after the debates I was looking at an episode of Beavis and Butthead.  And Butthead asked the question,… “Senator McCain, are you my daddy?  Seriously!

Beavis-Butthead-p21.jpg

* So anyway, did I mention that it’s been quite a while since I had some?  Well when it’s been long enough for a guy everything you look at starts remindind you of sex.   I was watching Monday Night Football.  And at halftime ESPN has this segment called “The Fastest 3 Minutes in Sports.”  It’s where they cram all the highlights and scores from the previous Sunday’s NFL games.  I sat there and thought to myself, “Hmm… the fastest three minutes in sports.  Is that really supposed to be for highlights?  Or is it code for the amount of time a guy can get away from the TV and get a quickie before the third quarter starts?  I mean, thats about all a girl can ask for during halftime anyway right?

Oh… so what did I do with my three minutes?  Well that’s none of your business so I’m not gonna tell you that. 

Oh.. you want to know what happened Sunday?  No problem.  Carolina beat Atlanta, Cleveland beat Cincinnati, Jacksonville beat Houston, Kansas City upset Denver, The Saints beat the 49ers, Tampa beat Green Bay, (Aaron Rogers has a separated shoulder) Tennessee beat Minnesota, the Chargers beat the Raiders, (Kiffen is giong to be fired at any moment now) Buffalo beat the Rams (Linehan got fired) the Skins beat the Cowboys (T.O. is selfish) Chicago beat Philly, the Jets beat Arizona and Brett Favre had 6 touchdown passes.  I’m just saying….Seriously

 Steelers beat Ravens in OT