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Facing Faults and Fears Part 3 ~ The Grudge?

Unforgiveness or Moving On?

There are times when I struggle with the word forgiveness.  Not so much as whether I have the ability to forgive someone in terms of pardoning a sin.  Lord knows we all have them and each of us take our turns needing grace from someone.  What I question is the true definition of forgiveness and whether restoration has to be a part of the process for forgiveness to be legit or complete.   As I get older, I question my old way of thinking and tend to think not.

As an example there was a friend of mine who I have been cool with for almost 20 years.  We’ve shared many stories of joy and pain and have been there for one another throughout both good and difficult times.  Well I going through something last year and I shared it with this person.  My car had some major engine damage and I was scrambling to come up with the several thousand dollars to have it fixed.  I needed the car for transportation for working both my 9-5 as well as my officiating jobs that I already had lined up.

Speaking with him about the situation, he said, “I am so sorry to hear about your car.”  I said that I appreciated it and just to let it be known I am taking donations.  He thought I was joking but I clarified my desperation. 

Mind you… I have NEVER asked this person for a dime.  Neither had I ever asked my mother since I left her home at the age of 14.  But I did this time.  This person asked me what my car payment was (monthly).  I gave the amount and he said they would help me out with one month’s payment.  “Great, !”  I said as I voiced my appreciation. 

He gave me a date and I said Ok.  The date passed and I didn’t hear anything.  I called and didn’t get an answer.  After a week I received a call from this person saying he was out of town and didn’t have a chance to go to the bank but that the money was forthcoming within a day.  I said that was fine.

After another week I called again, not for the money just to see if he were OK.  Still didn’t get an answer.

The next time I called the person answered the phone… perhaps by mistake and I could him him talking to someone else.

I hung up the phone.

Later I sent an email to the person letting him know that I was really hurt.  Not because of the money because anyone has the right to do with their money as they please even if they say they are going to do one thing and later change their mind.  But to not say anything and avoid me?  I thought we were way better than that.  I put it behind me and left it alone.

Well after 8 or 9 months, I get a text from this person saying, “Hey.”  I looked at it, remembered the number (because I had previously deleted it out of my phone) and thought to myself, “Hey what?”  My initial thought was that we didn’t have anything to talk about.  I didn’t see any explanations or apologies for the times I was calling and didn’t get an answer.  I just erased it and kept on stepping. 

Now here are the questions I have to ask myself when I try to identify the forgiveness thing.  

Question: Am I upset at this person?  Am I holding this against him?

Answer:  I honestly don’t believe I am.  I managed to get my car fixed and I have moved on.  I regretted that the friendship couldn’t handle the topic of money and though the subject never came up between us before, the only reason I asked was because I  felt we were ‘cool like that.’  That was a sign of deep humility and respect for me to even think of asking this person because I don’t just ask anybody for anything.

Question:  What is my reluctance from speaking to this person stemming from?

Answer:  I believe it’s stems from the fact that I thought we were cool.  And regardless of money, even if the person were a millionaire, I would not have felt he was obligated to give me anything.  But the fact that he promised something and avoided me as if I were a pesky beggar made me question the entire friendship.  My thinking is, “Where would we pick up from here?  If we ain’t soul after almost 20 years, I can’t see it materializing now.” 

When it comes to my inner circle, I am fiercely loyal.  And when that loyalty is not returned as opposed to rolling over like I did back in the day for the sake of being what I believed was Christian about it, I’ve had a change of heart.  Now when folks cross me a certain way, I just tend to be done with them.   Not cause I’m mad, but because I just don’t have time to pretend that a close friendships is anything but superficial if that is all it really is.  Everyone has superficial people in their lives.  And with these folks we don’t expect much.  But a friend is supposed to be a friend.

I had some beef with another friend of mine for a minute.  And because we were boys for real, we eventually had our say man to man and hashed the stuff out.  I consider him an even better friend now.  We got through a big storm where feelings were hurt on both sides.  We learned that our loyalty was strong even when we didn’t think it was.  I say that to say this is not about X’ing people out of my life just because I feel like it.  As I said I value my inner circle.

So what do you think?  Am I being too cold in this situation?  Am I holding a grudge?  Should I have responded to this person and perhaps he would have apologized?  (From what I know of this person, I don’t think he would have said anything about it.  I think he just wanted to pretend like it was all good though I could be wrong)  This is my dillema.  The old way of thinking for me would be the quickly accept this person back into my good graces.  The older, wiser me (in my opinion) says, F it!  No hard feelings on my part, but like Mint Condition, “We’ve Nothing Left To Say.”

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Mizzou Lays it All Out… Advances!

Tiller Leads Mizzou Past Memphis In Regional Semis

I have to give it up for the Missouri Tigers getting the best of Memphis Tigers by beating them at their own game.  I don’t think they took the team from Boone County that seriously until it was too late! I think they thought they would punk Mizzou early on and then got shocked!

Still it was a heck of a game as they were going at it!

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Don’t Just Apologize, Get to Firing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I have a few friends who are police officers.  This one give all the good one’s a bad name.

I don’t see what there is to apologize about.  The sad thing is that if it’s anything like it is here, they could fire him but he will probably end up in someone else’s police uniform.

 This is the exchange that Powell had with Moats as he was trying to see his dying mother in law before she passed.  Thanks to this a-hole, it was too late!  He is the epitome of what Eddie Murphy said years ago that jerk cops must have been teased and called “buckethead” when then when they get the badge they get all bad assed.  Seems he really wanted Moats to know that he was in charge.  He needs to be in charge of looking for another job!

Excerpts from Officer Robert Powell and Ryan Moats: 

Moats: You really want to go through this right now? My mother-in-law is dying. Right now! … I got seconds before she’s dying, man!

Powell: If my mom was dying I’d probably be a little upset too, but when I saw flashing red and blues, I would stop.

Moats: Did I not stop at the red light?

Powell: You stopped, then you drove through the red light.

Moats: I stopped, I checked the traffic, I waved the traffic off, then I turned.

Powell: This is not an emergency vehicle. You do not have the right to control the traffic.

Moats: OK. All right … just go ahead and check my insurance so I can go ahead and go. If you’re gonna give me a ticket, give me a ticket. I really don’t care, just …

Powell: Your attitude says that you need one.

Moats: I don’t have an attitude. All I’m asking you is just to hurry up. Cause you’re standing here talking to me…

Powell: Shut your mouth and listen.

Moats: Shut my mouth? Is that how you talk to me, too?

Powell: Shut your mouth and listen. If you want to keep this going, I’ll just put you in handcuffs, and I’ll take you to jail for running a red light.

Moats: OK. All right.

Powell: I can do that.

Moats: OK.

Powell: State law says I can.

Moats: Yes, sir. Go ahead.

Powell: If you don’t settle down that’s what I’m gonna do.

Moats: Yes, sir.

Powell: All right, If you don’t settle down, your truck’s illegally parked – I’ll tow that as well.

Moats: Yes, sir.

Powell: OK, I can screw you over. I’d rather not do that. Your attitude will dictate everything that happens, and right now, your attitude sucks.

Moats: Yes, sir.

Powell: OK, I turned my red and blues on as you were going over the bridge …

Moats: You think I’m gonna stop when my wife’s mother is dying?

Powell: You are required to stop. What you’re doing does not matter. Red and blues, you have to stop. I can charge you with fleeing right now.

Moats: Yes, sir. …

Powell: I can take you to jail. I can tow your truck. I can charge you with fleeing.

Moats: Yes, sir, you can. I understand.

Powell: I can make your night very difficult.

Moats: I hope you’ll be a great person and not do that.

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Facing Faults and Fears Part 2 ~ High Anxiety

I am flat out afraid of heights!  Period!

Now the funny thing is this:

I love riding in airplanes

I would fly in a space shuttle to outer space if they let me and would relish being able to see the earth from orbit

I would probably jump from a plane as long as I am attached to a trained parachute instructor. 

But stand me out on the roof of a house, or on the balcony of a large apartment building?  Oh hell naw!

It seems that if there is something secure like a glass wall between me and the fall, then I am cool with it.  But if it’s me bare with the space between where I stand and the several hundred feet down from where I don’t want to be in 3.5 seconds I clam up and get a serious anxiety attack.

I work at a company that has several buildings that are all attached through indoor walkways.  The fitness center is on the 6th floor.  In order to get to it from my building, you have to walk from building D to building A where there is this walkway that overlooks the second floor.  Every time I walk to and from the fitness center I briefly peek over to the ground.  EEEEK!

For whatever reason the reality of how close the railing is to a major gravity experience always comes to my mind instead of what a wonderful view it can be.  I don’t even allow my kids to walk close to a 2nd floor railing at mall!  We all walk towards the merchant sides of the building.

Is this a condition that will haunt me forever?  Where did it come from?  Have I seen too many movies of people falling off things?  I just don’t know.

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Facing Faults and Fears Part 1

Is there a doctor in the house?

Ok,

So here is the deal.  I am doing some self examining and decided to bring some of my blogging buddies along for the ride.  People like to talk about their virtues but not often their vices.  As humans, normally we tend to gravitate towards the things we like about ourselves.  Most of the times people say they want to maximize their strengths and learn to manage weaknesses.  What that means in many cases is that we try not to think about our weaknesses, ignore our weaknesses, hope the weakness, the fault or the fear goes away.

Well I want to try to confront some of mine.  And if anyone would like to make suggestions as to how to get past them or to improve my standing or outlook towards them, then this will be worth it.  Sometimes getting a fresh perspective can be a good thing.  One never knows…  

Some of my faults may seem humorous as I list them over the next several days.  I try not to take myself too seriously.  However, this is a serious thing for me so please be respectful even if you add a brand of humor.  You get to be the doctor.  Thanks. 

 

Part 1: Carelessness

I live my life by an electronic calendar.  (an Excel one to be exact)  Without it I am lost.  I schedule everything from when to pay bills, to game assignments, along with anything else I am not supposed to forget throughout the month.  I know better than to rely on my memory for anything.  I just have too many things on the plate to think that I will be able to retain it all.  It seems that the calendar really helps me a lot.  With it I feel organized and on top of my game.  But it’s one thing that my calendar cannot help me with.  Carelessness.

Let me tell you, I lose and forget where I put things like nobodies business.  Sometimes I think that I am clever and put things up somewhere in an unusual place because that way I figure that I will know where to find it.  But no.  It seems that at those times I forget the unusual place where I put the thing and thereby hide it from myself.  Sometimes I put things somewhere and don’t remember putting them there at all even after I’ve found them in that particular place.

Its gotten to the point now that sometimes when I do it, I just chalk it up in frustration because it seemed as if my mind just failed me.  Recently I visited my mother on the West Coast and she let me hold some photos of her on a cruise she took.  Because I didn’t want to bend them, I packed them between the screen and keyboard of my laptop.  Every time I would open my computer I would take the photos out and and afterwards put them back in.  My goal was to make copies and get them back to her. 

Well one morning I thought to myself, “Hmm, I was just at the coffee shop last week and I don’t remember putting the photos back in the computer.  Could I have left them at the coffee shop?”  I looked in the back seat of the car first and didnt’ see them among the other junk I had thrown back there.  Then I calmly drove to the coffee house that morning and asked the attendant if someone had turned in photos.  The woman said she worked every day since the Friday I had visited and that no one had turned anything in.  I asked if she was sure or if she could ask someone else.  She assured me that they had no photos, and that perhaps someone had thrown them away. 

Oh man!  How in the heck am I gonna tell my momma I lost her pictures?  She trusted me with these along with some videos and music I took back to St. Louis, and certainly the pictures could never be replaced.    I looked in the car again.  Nothing.  I went on my way disappointed again that I could not make a correlation in my brain for the last time I had seen the pictures.  I decided to wait to tell my mom.  No rush in disappointing her right?  She would forgive me, but I would still feel like an immature little kid who had to have his gloves pinned to the bottom of his coat sleeve so I can come back home with two of them instead of one.

I also lost my daughter’s report card.  I was the only parent who could make parent teacher day this time.  And I promised her mother that I would make her a copy and get it to her.  Ha!  Couldn’t find that either though it was in my carry around bag that has all of my important things in it.  Well no big deal, I can have the school print another one right?

A few days later, I’m looking to get some things out of my back seat.  I have a small satchel that carry my referee shoes, whistle and 5 Hour Energy shots.  I grabbed the bag and BAM… there they were – my mother’s cruise pictures.  Now I know darn well I looked that back seat over really well… or did I?  You see that’s my point!  Later on I eventually found the report card back there too.  The thing is, I can’t remember putting either of them in the back seat.  I do understand my logic however.  I put the pictures in the back seat because I didn’t want to take the chance on losing them in the coffee shop.  I just couldn’t remember doing it.  My bag turned upside down in the back seat after I threw it there so I can put the groceries I bought in the car.  I do remember that happening and that is when the report card must have fallen out.  So I got lucky.  Either that or God put those pictures back for me and saved me from humiliation.

What gets me the most is that I am ALWAYS cognisant of putting things in their proper places so that I don’t lose things.  And yet I still manage to do it.

Any suggestions?  This is a real sore area for me!

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Basketball Jones and Hoops Junkies Week; Day 4

Seattle,

You are looking at pictures from a Seattle highway in the middle of rush hour.  But there are hardly any cars on this normally packed section.  It seems that Brackethoopolus has taken over this region and many of the regions across the nation.  Thousands upon thousands have called in sick.  It’s an epidemic!  It is predicted that many who do show up will take extended lunches or leave work early. 

Corporate work production will be lost in the billions.  But bars and pizza parlors are expecting a large windfall.   

Welcome to the NCAA Basketball Tournament!

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Basketball Jones and Hoops Junkies Week Day 3

Tuscon,

Reports are coming in that workers are moving very slowly today.  What seemed like slight cases of flu like symptoms have really gone to a new level.  Sneezes and coughs can be heard from office to office.  Alka-Seltzer and Robitussin are stocked in many cubicles.

In another strange twist.  Workers are scrambling with long pieces of paper that look as if they have some sort of cryptic maze on them.  Money is being passed around quietly and according to sources, sport handicapping sites are being dinged at as high a rate as any other time of year. 

Las Vegas gambling guru Lenny Grimes says the last time they have had this many calls and hits on the web site, it was the Superbowl. 

Something strange is happening.  I wonder if workers will make it in on Thursday.

Tomorrow we will wrap up this series in Seattle. 

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Charlie Bubba on AIG and Imus

It was a slow Monday evening.  No college basketball on television.  The World Baseball Classic is totally irrelevant no matter what Tommy Lasorda says about it being something we should care about.  So what was I to do?  Been a while since I’ve been over on the East Side.  So I head to one of my favorite watering holes for some special Crown.  The bartender called and told me that somehow he got a bottle of the Cask No 16 that Hines Ward was giving away to his teammates after the SuperBowl.  I was down for that!

No sooner than I walk in the door… I see my main man Charlie Bubba ghetto philosopher and street scholar of the hood.  It had been a while since I’d seen Charlie.  Or (Cholly) as we call him.  I thought to myself, “Now I know the evening will be exciting.  We can talk about the NCAA tournament.  Manny Ramirez or something.  But no politics cause I was tired of the news as it is.”  I tried to head him off at the pass when he laid eyes on me.

Me: Cholly whats up baby!  Who you got going to the Final 4?  Who’s going to take it all!

Cholly: Fuck that nigga!  That shit ain’t coming on till Thursday.  It’s MONDAY fool!  Hell who gone be president in 2012?  Who gone be Bristol Palin’s next baby-daddy.  Hell I don’t know.  Gotta wait till it get here.  Shit.

Me: Dang Cholly why you all “sensitive” today? 

Cholly: Man these fools tried to take my crib – 4Close on a nigga.  While these fuckers at AIG, (Always Is Gangsta) taking MY tax dollars for god-damn bonuses and shit?

Why did I ask?  He got me.

Cholly: Come on C!  How many times these white boys, these anti-big government, anti-government helping out anybody, anti-welfare shit on the little man leaches keep coming back to the Amerikkkan people begging for hand-outs?  I hope Bama (Obama) knows what he’s doing.  Cause last time he talked about how it wasn’t about being pissed at them, but about saving the economy even though they pissed over the last stash they got.  Now they just made an ass out of him as far as I’m concerned.  Cause the same shit keeps happening over and over again. Give them assholes money, and they put it in their pockets.  Then I hear this broad talking on TV about how they were “contractually obligated” to give these bonuses.  What?  Like they were contractually obligated to give them money for the hoes they paid for at the spa a few months back?  Right?  That’s some bullshit!  First of all, who is giving out the bonuses anyway?  The same mother fuckers who asked for the money?  The same folks who are on the board deciding that they were “contractually obligated” to pay themselves all that loot?  The same jokers who’s decisions ran the company down in the first place?  What kinda shit is that?

Cholly was really angry.  I tried to get a word in but he kept going.

Cholly: And what if somebody with some balls at the top decided that these bonuses were not going to be given out.  If the others tried to sue, what fuckin judge is going to side with them.  I know they don’t write up contracts that say, ‘Even if you run the company into the ground and we are strapped for cash, we’ll still give you millions for the trouble you put us in.’  I just don’t see that happening.  And hell if they didn’t get multiple bailouts, where the fuck would they have gotten the money?  I’m telling you man!  They say they don’t want no socialist government and shit, but they can’t be trusted to run these businesses on their own obviously!  And why is Bama nem’ keep giving them the money with no fuckin oversite?  You keep trusting the same robbers and thieves to do the right thing?  That just goes to show you.  White folks broke the mode on crime I don’t care what they say?

Me: Well man you have said a mouthful Cholly.  Care for some of this No. 16 to take the edge off? 

Cholly took the drink and swished it around his mouth before swallowing.  “This some good shit here boy!”

Me: I’m sorry about…

Cholly: And did you get a load of that Imus bullshit he was saying about his prostate cancer?  ‘I think I got this from stressing all that media pressure at my doorstep a while back. ‘ First of all I don’t give a fuck about your prostate!  Second of all you opened your fool ass mouth and said some shit you shouldn’t have calling some black college educated women, ‘nappy headed hoes’ and then blame us for making your life stressful?  Cry me a fucking malt liquor bitch!  Sucks to be you huh? I tell you C, only in this country do white folks think such dumb ass shit.  Then he calls Giuliani about his dick getting hard.  First off Rudy ain’t getting no pussy he ain’t paid for.  Have you seen that guy? What is going to do, rub his little cabbage patch head against a woman’s…

Me: CHOLLY! That’s too much information bruh!

Cholly: Yea you know what I’m saying.  Who would want to fuck Imus anyway?  That crinkled up old dude.  Every timeI see him I think to myself, “There goes Maude!”  Look at his face, the way it looks if it can get hard he can use that!  He may want to get it circumcised first… 

Me: Alright Cholly I’m about to bounce. 

After a couple glasses of the No. 16, I was good to go but Cholly was just getting started.  This was my time to exit cause he was already on a mission as it is.

Me: Cholly man I’m sorry about the house?  What are you gonna do about it?

Cholly: Man I don’t know.  But Cholly Bubba always work thangs out.   Maybe I can catch one of them AIG niggas at the ATM machine.

I gave Cholly some dap and bid bye to he and the rest of the patrons.  Always having to have the last word though…

Cholly: Louisville!  Rick Pitino bitches!  Cardinals all the way over that robot Tyler Hansbrough for the championship!

Me: Whatever!  Carolina all the way! 

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Basketball Jones and Hoops Junkies Week; Day 2

Report from Nashville,

It’s a beautiful partly cloudy day in Opryland.  The temperature is supposed to get to 69 degrees.  Nevertheless the strange infection known as bracket-hoopollus seems to be spreading around offices abroad.  Just like in New York, what started off as a sneeze is getting a bit more serious.  People are walking a bit slower and seem to be a bit weaker.  Here is how one Fed-X employee described his struggle.

Yea I thought this would be a 24 hour thing.  But it seems to be a bit rougher than I thought.  I’m a soldier though.  I expect to get better and I plan on toughing it out.  I won’t be leaving early or anything like that. 

** Reporters notes:  For whatever reason, the symptoms of this infection always seems to strike when the boss is near.  Whenever Mr. Jones walks out of his office, he pauses as the sounds of coughing and sneezing sounds bark out simultaneously.  This is really strange. 

Tune in tomorrow where we’ll be reporting from Tuscon!